wedding no show
5:09 a.m. - 08.24.02
i was supposed to go to a wedding with my mom and grandma, but i couldn't. i feel a bit guilty, because mom wanted me to go, but she was cool when i said today that i couldn't. grandma totally understood. i was having too much anxiety. the wedding was for my mom's 20 year old God-son. she has been friends with his mom since they were in 1st grade. their daughter is my age and i went to school with her after my parents got divorced and we moved back to mom's suburb. she hated me. i really didn't like her either. in 6th grade, she announced to everyone very often that my dad was a drunk and left us. i finally got the courage to call her up and told her (privately) that her dad was a drunk but she still had to live with him. after that, she made fun of my weight, then, she just finally ignored me.
now, she is probably about 20 lbs heavier than i am, and making passive aggresive remarks to my mom at the past shower about my 'skinny little ass better be at the wedding, because it has been just too long." i wonder what she would have said 2 years ago, when i was almost 20 lbs lighter than i am now (that picture i used to have posted was 3 years ago, before everything 'happened."
the rest of the family is great. i used to babysit the ushers. but, i just could not and did not feel like dealing with the past tonight, so at the last minute i cancelled out. 300 people in one room still freaks me out after 2 years. that bums me out, too,,, since i used to love being onstage in high school in front of 1,000 at the autumn play.
i didn't want to field any passive aggressive remarks, from a girl who married someone she settled for and is struggling with two kids. i also did not want to answer questions about what i am doing. perhaps two years ago it would have been different. i could tell them that i was top sales executive at a magazine, but i don't think i would have been pleased with that at all.
urrgh, i guess i have to wrestle with my agoraphobia a bit more. but i hate being in a large crowd where i know only half the people. i'm the type that needs to know everyone in a small or large group,,, or be a complete stranger. i'd rather be completly comfortable and accepted, or totally fresh and new.
wedding no show - 08.24.02
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