thank you
5:30 p.m. - 10.16.02
i am home now. i am glad i'm home. i spent almost 9 hours in the emergency room and it really sucked. i realized how unrational i was. my mom left work and came to be with me. i love her so much. she is TOTALLY a best friend.
(although it's still hard around the molestation thing about my dad. she says 'i believe that you believe it.' but i know she feels bad enough every single day for marrying him and having kids with a mentally disturbed vietnam vet. she has told me that she regrets it. she regrets loving him, and she still loves him to this day, and so do i)
anyway, i sat in the emergency room for about 8 hours. they were trying to place me somewhere that would take me with no insurance. they were going to send me back to the crisis center that i was at 2 years ago. i got really scared. i told them i didn't want to go back to that place. that place is totally useless. i told them i did not want to be sentenced to a week there where i'd only see a doctor for the first 10 minutes, then spend the rest of the week watching cartoons with crack-heads that would keep asking me if i gave good blow jobs.
so then they tried to get me into a hospital. the doctor in the ER was very cool. my room was across from the desk, so i saw him arguing on the phone that i couldn't see my old psychiatrist anymore because we both agreed she was a quack. they told him the only way they would admit me was if i was 'acutely suicidal.' he asked me if i still was, i told him i'm not sure if i ever was officially, since it scares me to even make a plan, and that i would never want to hurt anyone that loves me or who would suffer directly from it. it's not that i wanted to die today, i told him,, i was just tired of not seeing any results of any kind.
so, since i wasn't 'acutely suicidal," i had to go home. the doc was pissed because he thought i should have been able to see someone right away and get my meds changed right away, since we both agreed they weren't working. we both agreed that the system really sucks, and i have to be that much stronger in order to survive it.
i've been going to meetings for Narcotics Anonomous, and those weren't making me feel as good as they were a month ago. i was 'eating my vegetables and taking my vitamins' as i told him, and i was still falling into a major depression. i finally felt "what;s the use?"
but i really didn't want to die. i never had a plan, and i'm too scared to form one. i do want to see myself as a successful artist and/or person one of these days. i'd hate to turn off the TV a minute before my favorite show was going to start.
i know how my dad's suicide affected me, and he abused me and left 20 years ago. if he was a bum, and could still inflict me with sorrow and loss, what would *i* do to all these awesome people in my life???
it would devastitate them. my brother, who has had suicidal thoughts in the past, might just say 'fuck it' and off himself as well. where would that leave my mom, and the rest of the family? i would be responsible for completly damaging a good family. i'd be selfish by saying 'fuck it' and letting them deal with my loss. that is SO uncool.
not only did my family worry about me, but i now have new friends who are concerned. my sponsor called a total of 7 times in the past 24 hours. i also got calls from 5 other people. plus, i got messages from YOU, my readers, who take time out of your busy lives who care enough to see what the hell i'm up to, or what i have to say. that really runs deep. THANK YOU for taking time out of your lives to even know i exist. you DO NOT KNOW how much that means to me.
so, I AM HERE, GODDAMMIT!!! or i should say BY THE GRACE OF GOD. one thing they say in Narcotics Anonomous, WHICH I NEVER REALLY GRASPED until now, "WE WILL LOVE YOU, UNTIL YOU COME TO LOVE YOURSELF."
thank you to all of you.
I AM SO BLESSED that i can sit in my pajamas, drinking coffee, and having the gift of time and life to say this to you.
thank you - 10.16.02
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