i painted sunshine on dad's suicide day
3:38 p.m. - 06.02.02
it's been hard for me to write in these past 2 weeks.
i couldn't write around memorial day because i was too busy being happy. too busy being outside. i had so much energy and so much joy. i was able to make plans with friends and family. most importantly, i kept those plans with a smile on my face. friends said they missed me and missed my laugh. that felt good.
the best part was dave and i starting over. for four years i have been denying myself happiness and a future with him. i am humbled that he still loves me - even more so now because 4 years ago i was not diagnosed, not date-raped, and as far as i was concerned i didn't care where my father was - the farther away the better, i thought - since every time he came back into town he threatened mom, or he'd apologize (for the millionth time).
(racing thoughts right now - and i might just stop the entry if i start getting too upset.
now i'm having a hard time writing because it's the two year anneversary of my dad's death. i'm reading my journal entry from june 2, 2000 - talking about how the day before (june 1, 2000) was the first 'good' day i had since the rape and since i moved across town. i wrote about how good life was going to be for me, how i loved going into home depot to buy radiant colors of paint for my new place. i spoke about the friendliness of the workers that cheered me up. i painted my living room a golden sunshine yellow that looked gorgeous with the white window panes and ivy outside. i even saved the receipt - purchased at 12:30 - and i was going to hold onto that receipt as 'my ticket to my brighter future' ......
i painted my ass off two years ago on the first, second, third and fourth. i blared herbie mann from my stereo. my herbs were starting to grow. i was really feeling better.
i din't see dad in the hospital until june 4 - but it was then i learned that he jumped off the balcony head first on june first around noon.
that was the first blow
fuck
i painted sunshine on dad's suicide day - 06.02.02
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