this entry sucks
9:01 p.m. - 08.09.02
i hate it when i can't describe how i feel. i guess you could say i am ''antsy'' right now, but i don't know. everything bothered me today - noises, ringing telephones, etc. i am bothering myself today. i went to bed at 4 am after drinking a bottle and a half of shiraz, S E australia, vintage 1999.
i am only making my problems worse for myself - i just know it. i slept my usual 12 hours today,, which means i got up at 4 p.m. i hate that. i hate that i have the immense feeling of wanting to stay in bed.
i was going to go to a meeting tonight, but the friday meeting is a big one, and that's were i'd find my two 'admirers' and the woman who wants to be my sponsor. truthfully, i don't know that many other women with a lot of clean time, so my choice might only be her. i'm not saying she WILL hit on me, but with what i've been though i don't want anyone hitting on me there - male or female. i just want some help.
and, i want to get high real bad now. i know that pot would be impossible to get tonight, but i could always buy another bottle of wine. i have to admit that i am not used to writing without at least the slightest buzz. when i get too drunk or stoned i can't write at all -- i just zone out. that's why i was always a 'slow' drinker, just so i could maintain that cushy buffer-zone.
this entry sucks - 08.09.02
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