changing the subject
11:33 a.m. - 06.12.03
things are a little better. went to therapy yesterday - man - needed that. i'm having thoughts on wether to quit the art promottion biz. i'm clashing with my partners - but i don't know if those reasons are legitimate or it's just me being jealous and over emotional. my therapist says i have to figure that one out. i also have a wall, he said, and i have to figure out why that wall is there, when i put it up, and what am i blocking out. i must also try to determine if i have difficulty with male authority figures or just authority figures in general. i have a lot of homework, it seems.
oh, i'm whitening my teeth now and they are looking very nice, so ray, the rich and older and insecure radio program director can just eat his little heart out. --- after only the third date he told me he just had to be honest (i guess fuck respect and time to get to know someone) and tell me that i'm beautiful, just gorgeous, almost perfect, except,,, my teeth - honestly he said, they are disgusting. can't i afford to go to a dentist? no, ray, i haven't been able to go to a dentist since i've been on fucking welfare - the free clinic doesn't do teeth cleanings and fillings - only extractions. your two kids with the trust funds will always have perfect teeth and always make fun of those lazy poor people that may have one crooked or missing. mine were only yellowed due to a lot of cigaretes and pot in these past few years during my breakdown. glad to say i have stopped my old habits, but the stains were still there.
goes to show that a 46 year old man can still be a fucking child - selfish enough to want something totally perfect. i know what he wanted - a trophy, and i couldn't be a trophy with yellow teeth. he should see me know - all bright and sparkely. actually, the idiot still sends me an email once and a while and called a few days ago -- because he still wants to be my 'friend'.
we were never friends - duh -. i was your cute little secretary 7 years ago and a few weeks ago it was an opportunity for you to live out your little fantasy. that's why my teeth were such an issue. you see, fantasies have to be perfect.
i guess i'm off my rant right now, although i changed subjects just like i did in therapy yesterday. i must figure out why i change the subject.
changing the subject - 06.12.03
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