is there a study at home program for addicts?
11:16 a.m. - 08.07.02
so far so good today. i just woke up 30 minutes ago. i woke up better than yesterday, though. yesterday, i slept 20 straight hours. i felt that i wanted to sleep more because i did not want to get out of bed, but my body was achy for being in bed too long. the day before that i stayed up for over 48 hours. i hae to get my sleep patterns controlled.
i get so afraid to go to sleep because i always have strange and bad dreams, especially lately because of grandma's bad health and dave's dumping letter. i haven't gone to any NA meetings this week. it had seemed too much to handle, plus i have been ashamed since i did smoke pot last tuesday with chris and this sat. and sun. with my cousin. and i did have a cocktail and 2 glasses of wine at the jazz club on friday. that gave me a little buzz, but i got a heavier buzz yesterday as i drank wine in the afternoon.
i know i need to stop. since i got high again i have felt so different. i realize that now. i never realized that before because i was using so much, i was a daily smoker. but i had stopped the weed for over 3 weeks, and i honestly felt CLEANER. and it WAS a good feeling.
when i finally got high with chris last week it was like a welcome explosion of pleasure. since it had been so long it hit me real good, but by the time i got home i was paranoid, dopey, depressed, disinterested, and had the munchies like crazy.
also, when i use i eat like crazy. chris gave me a joint for the next day and all i did was get high, cry about my grandma, and ate and ate and ate. i made bacon and eggs for lunch. later, when the munchies kick in more, i had taco bell AND steak & shake, AND ravioli AND a slice of left over pizza (i put extra cheese on it, too) AND popcorn. by the time i was finished i was so stoned, so full, and so unhappy, i had nothing else to do except sleep.
i know i have to go to another meeting. i know i have to make the program work for me. i have to admit that sometimes i can't be social, so all those people hugging me whom i never met before freaks me out a little. sometimes i really embrace it.
also, i've told everyone in the meetings i was raped and bipolar, but thathas not thwarted any advances of a few of the addicts: two guys specifically and perhaps one woman. the woman seems real nice, and interested in becoming my sponsor. i knew she was gay when we started talking on the phone, because she had mentioned that her and her girlfriend just broke up after 3 years. her being gay does not bother me at all. she has a lot of clean time and has other people she sponsors. i really feel that she could be a good one, but the last time we did a group hug she held me at the waist and her hand was moving as if she was petting an animal. perhaps she was just trying to comfort me, but it still freaked me out a little.
i am just so confused. i want to do what is best formyselfbut i don't want to be in situations or around people that make me uncomfortable.
it is true, people do try to pick me up at bars. but, i'm usually always with friends of mine i trust, and i am in an atmosphere where i don't care how rude i am to get him/her the hell away from me. this just seems different to me. everyone is hugging me and telling me they love me, but i REALLY don't know any of these people.
isn't there a 'study at home' version of NA? lol
is there a study at home program for addicts? - 08.07.02
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