slimy stone
11:41 p.m. - 06.18.03
i went out with niko tonight. i guess i feel bad. i don't know if i had a good time or not.
on one hand i think he might be a little arrogant, perhaps a little controlling, maybe it's just all in my head and i'm just picking him apart, like my friend ken suggested.
on the other hand, we did have fun together tonight. i had to help prime fire hydrants for a city-wide art project. niko asked if he could come along to help, so we can spend time together. he took pictures of me while i was painting and told me how cute i looked.
it's just so damn hard for me to try to get to know someone, without thinking that everything he's telling me is just a part of this silly little dating game.
all my life i have been told to trust my gut. i defied my gut and got raped. the raping boyfriend started out as the smoothest, most romantic guy i ever met. no one else has taken me on a trip to new york, bought me 20 christmas presents and told the world that i was his angel, the love of his life.
niko is better educated and better traveled, and, just cancelled a trip with a girl and broke it off with her right after he met me. he says she was cold and confused and didn't understand his art.
i have told him from the get-go that i'm not 'easy,' not one of 'those types of girls' who sleep with someone right away. he promises me that he didn't have sex with her, although she repeatedly gave him oral sex. he claims he hasn't had sex since october. not that i care - he could have gotten laid 2 weeks ago and it wouldn't matter to me, as long as i believed he was telling the truth.
he has been a complete gentelman with me, respecting my boundaries. all we have done is hold hands and kiss in the car.
i finally told him, or started to allude to what happened to me. he said that he was wondering if that happened, since i have been so guarded. he says it's ok and i'm the boss.
he wants to hear me read my poetry friday afternoon and go to my art events friday night, and he wants to go to his gallery opening with me on saturday together.
why do i have this slimy rock in my stomach. i felt it all day with him even beofre (and without planning) on telling him the rape news.
maybe i'll get into a few of the things he said that bothered me, maybe they aren't even important at all.
oh by the way, i met this guy at first because he visited my poetry site a few months back and had nice things to say about it. he had an art show 2 fridays ago and i met him face to face.
i have no way right now to judge if this guy is real or not or if my gut is really trying to tell me something. the only way that i will be able to know is if i want to take the risk and make myself vulnerable. i'm really thinking right now that i don't want to risk anything right now.
yuck, i'm all screwed up. i hate it.
slimy stone - 06.18.03
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