seeds
11:22 a.m. - 05.11.02
i'm so glad to finally be on line.
i tried for 2 hours yesterday afternoon to get on. i tried for 2 hours last night. i hope it's only because i have dial-up, and it's not a bug.
i have been feeling better the last 2-3 days. i haven't had much of a problem grocery shopping or keeping up with the cleaning for mom's day tomorrow. grandma has even had me go shopping 3 times this week and i barely got an anxiety attack the 3rd time. i'd call that improvement.
i even did extra stuff yesterday. i went outside. i planted garlic and the seeds. i stayed outside for about an hour and a half. i enjoyed the blue sky and sunshine.
i did have some anxiety, but i feel like i handled it ok. i have always enjoyed nature, but have had no interest in getting my hads dirty since i was a girl; until the summer of 2000. i just pissed in chris' brownies, moved to the other side of town and was about to start a new life.
i got my first apartment with a balcony. i planted all kinds of herbs, even some carrots and lettuce. i watched those seeds come to life with the amazement of a first grader watching her first lima bean in a paper cup. each sprout became my child. i saw them grow and change everyday. they held such hope and promise.
then june 4th happened. then dad died. i tried to hold onto my plants as much as i was tring to hold my life together. at this time i had no idea how sick i was but i knew my immediate future was bleak. i was already 2 months behind on my rent. my old job said some of my old clients were 'late pays' so i had exceeded my comission payout. i was furious with my mom; when she was the only one that really knew what was happening to me. God, i put her through hell. she really thought she was going to lose me -- wether it be to europe or perhaps even death -- and i think she was just about ready to give up i drove her down so much.
i think the worst of it is when she saw me as a patient at the mental hospital she works at. if i would have known that it was the only mental facility that admitted people with zero income, i would not have called my friend to take me to the closest emergency room.
on second thought, the worst for her is when she found out that i was already there for 3 days with strict 'patient rights' orders not to tell her i was 2 floors beneath her. i can honestly saythat when i saw her eyes the moment the other nurses came over - ----- -----
damn
i have to say that that was the worst feeling that i have ever had in my life. i'm crying so hard now just thinking about the way her eyes looked. all my life she has been my best friend, protector, teacher -- i'm just getting choked up now ......
what hurt me the most was that i did not mean it to directly hurt her, so i felt like i failed again. extreme shame was the reason that i could not face her. deep inside i was dying to be hugged by her. she ALWAYS made things ok. but here i was, screwing up again.
so it was a little hard for me to think clearly when i started to plant yesterday. but as i got my hands into the cool, moist soil it felt good, and i didn't care that i couldn't find the garden gloves. i didn't care so much if i was doing it perfect or not. i was doing it. a lot has changed in the past two years.
this time i know the herbs are going to grow. i'm at grandma's house and not going anywhere right now. i'm thankful i'm home. i'm thankful mom lives down the street and i see her everyday.
i'm taking her out to dinner tonight. i have an idea of what we migt toast to.
seeds - 05.11.02
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