rough meeting
12:29 a.m. - 08.25.02
thanks, sappy. i like the new design i chose, too. Lex can take all the credit. i loved this design. i have only been on the bart a few times, and yes, it does look a little familiar. i love to travel. it is a spiritual experience for me when ever i pass through a gate or board a plane. i am going somewhere. now, i am going somewhere in my life.
It was a rough meeting tonight. a newcomer joined us. her family dropped her off and made sure she walked through the door. i talked with her a little before it officially got started. she said she felt bad that she got high last night. i also suspected she was high at the meeting, but that makes no difference. the most important thing is that you are there. i gave her my number, and told her that i am new, and told her that i have relapsed since i have come into the fellowship, so not to worry, just keep coming back. my heart went out to her, she was lost and suffering.
Our discussions started and she started to giggle. at one point she started laughing so much that one addict could not finish what he had to say. i have to admit, i was a little put off at first, because it was ruining my concentration.
eventually it was my turn to speak but she interrupted. however, i wasn't mad at all. she opened up, and confessed to all of us about her addiction, her alienation from her family and her suicidal thoughts. she was giglling through all of it while she had tears in her eyes. i then understood the laughter. we all told her to keep coming back. she started to smile and look at us, and eventually the laughter stopped.
when i spoke her eyes were totally fixed on me. i spoke about my experience and 'reasons' for getting high and she kept nodding her head. she then listened intently to the others who spoke after me.
we were just about to close the meeting and the third woman there spoke out. she looked tired and strung out. in two weeks i thought she looked like she aged 10 years. she is a beautiful woman who looked like she just rolled out of bed. i overheard her talking to some others before the meeting and from what i gathered she is in a relapse, and smoked crack last night. it was obvious that she was suffering through the whole meeting. she started to yell about how fucked up the meeting was tonight and how it was not an atmosphere for recovery. she said 'fuck this shit' and walked out.
the newcomer apologized as the other woman walkd out the door. she started laughing again. we told her not to worry about it. she told us not to worry, she would never come to a meeting again, and ran out in tears.
i feel so badly tonight for both women. i wish to god that the third woman would not have lashed out at her like that. if someone did that to me at my first meeting,,,, you bet your ass i would not be in the meetings now. the newcomer has my phone number but i did not get hers. now i wish that i did make sure to get her number.
i am afraid that both those women are using tonight. please, anyone who reads this, please please say a prayer or have a thought about both of those women. especially the newcomer, who said she was planning to kill herself tonight. please pray that i get the opportunity to see her again.
rough meeting - 08.25.02
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