rock bottom?
12:03 a.m. - 07.17.02
i have to admit i am an addict. i've been chatting online in an NA chatroom that has given me lots of support and encouragement. i finally felt i had the courage to go to a meeting tonight. i was so nervous and crying. when i got there EVERYTHING was closed!! no damn meeting!!!! god, why don't they keep the NA website updated? i was so ready for TODAY to be my FIRST DAY. i've been dry off of the pot for 5 days now, but i have realized that in a few days in cycles into drinking. i don't enjoy the booze buzz as much as the pot, but it's beter than nothing, that what i'd tell myself.
so, i thought i'd have ONE FULL DAY under my belt. then i though --- well, i still can have just ONE more day (i know that is not good thinking, i'm just being honest). i was so upset that i got myself together to go to my meeting and it did not even exist. i was afraid to drive home, i went into a panic attack. so i thought, there will be a meeting tomorrow or thurs. and i will go then. but tonight, i'll be aware that i'm makeing up another silly excuse to use and i decided to make it 'my last hurahh.'
i was supposed to meet my friends at an italian restaurant to sit outside to have wine and chees tonight anyway and i canceled, because i was ready to have this as my first clean day. so i made up an excuse that this is going to be my last time, and made a nice cheese platter and bought a 1994 cabernet, the best i could buy in a half mile radius of convenience stores. so i'm having 'my last party' tonight. at least i hope this is the last. i am savoring every bit of velvety cheese as i wash it down with the red velvet of wine. i know i will miss this. i love going to dinner parties with brie and shiraz, but i know if i REALLY want to get on with my life the pot and the booze will only keep me down. i feel like a dumb ass finally figuring this out at 31.
the thing is, i never really 'used' until i was 26. i was totally against pot in college and drank beer on occasion. when i got to be an adult with more responsibilities, that's when i cherished the 'high moments' where i didn't have to worry about my next sales meeting, my next client, my next... nothing. and because iwas getting really stressed at work, the diversion was a welcome discovery.
now, i've discovered that it only makes my cycles worse, and i know i have to stop. i will start tomorrow as my first 'day' and really try after that. for now, i'm saying goodbye to my wine and cheese, with comfort that at least the cheese will still be there.
i know i have to d this, and sorry i did not do it tonight. but i do have tomorrow.
is this rock bottom?
rock bottom? - 07.17.02
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