i was the rock, now im a leech
2:53 p.m. - 10.08.02
bad day today. i feel as broken as my car. i'm trying to look on the bright side of things --- and there ARE a lot of bright sides. i feel guilty that i know them and i am still not leeting those reasons make me feel beter today.
the repairs are going to be almost $2,000. Worse yet, i'm feeling a lot of guilt and pity over being on disability and being bi-polar, especially in regards to my uncle
mike.
he's my mom's brother and never had any kids of his own. i never had a real father, so uncle mike was the closest i had. when i was little, he was the 'coolest' man i knew. he's a sci-fi fan, and took me and my brother to see star wars far too many times to count. star wars came out when things with my dad were really bad, when he trashed the house and mom had to tell us a burgerlar broke in -- that excuse only washed once. uncle mike took us out of the house when dad threatened to kill my mom and had a gun to her head. uncle mike took us to the amusement park when dad set the car on fire.
star wars was the only story i knew in my youth with a happy ending, and Uncle Mike made sure my brother and I got heavy doses of it.
Uncle mike was very proud of me when i won a scholarship for college, very proud when i was a news reporter with front page stories, proud when i was in programming at his favorite talk-radio station. he got to meet his favorite sports talk host and beamed while the radio personality told him how fantastic i was.
we are the only ones in the family that prefer white cake and vanilla ice cream than chocolate. we were mostly the championship pair for the family Trivial Pursuit games.
it's needless to say that all of that changed 2 years ago with my mental break down and the discovery of my pot addiction. when i came home from the hospital he couldn't even look me in the face. "i just don't understand it," he said. "you were my Rock of Gibralter and your brother was the ship without the sail." this hurt me tremendously, especially the part about my brother, that i realized that he actually thought of him that way. "I don't understand this whole 'depression' thing. Everyone has bad days, you just got to snap out of it and go on," he said.
the was the last conversation we had about my condition. i have brought it up again, but his actions and his scilence, or his room exits keep solidiyfying the fact that he doesn't want to hear anything more about it.
Uncle Mike is a bit more conservative than the rest of the family. He has often complained that he has worked all of his life while the lazy welfare people are taking his hard-earned money. for the past 2 years i have been one of those lazy ungratefuls.
I live with Grandma, and my brother lives down the street with my mom. I suspect that my brother is also bipolar, but he refuses to believe it. he just thinks his life sucks and he can't catch a break. he can't seem to save enough money to live on his own, and he drinks everyday and goes to raves.
anyway, enough about my brother's life. i worry about him , but i can't dwell on it. i was just trying to make a point that now both my brother and i are known in the family as Mom's 2 lazy adult children who are sitting on their butts at home. Uncle Mike will never say it directly, but he will start bitching about low values and lack of responsibility the slackers of generation X have perfected. it's no surprise who he's really talking about.
anyway, my grandma owns both the houses. when she dies mom gets one and Uncle Mike gets the other. mom is planning to move to this one, the bigger one, and mike is supposed to take the one down the street for a rental. he's already bitching that te house down the street is 'shot,' and that grandma isn't making the improvements on it as she should. he bitched about the roof and we got a new roof on it. the screen doors are old with the screens taped to the frame. "you mother lives like a hill billy." he says. jeez - they are just stupid screen doors, the rest of the house is beautiful. "that house is going to hell and that house is my retirement. do you know how much money i'm gonna have to sink in if your grandmother keeps doing shit about it?"
everyone, including and expecially myself, is worried about where the hell i'm going to live once grandma dies. are my brother and i BOTH going to have to live with my mom again? god, i hope not. it's even going to be rough if just I have to live with mom. the reason we both get along so well now is BECAUSE we don't live together. Uncle mike is just rubbing his hands together just waiting to get his hands on that house.
and NOW he's pissed about the car. like it's my fault. well, in his eyes, the dead transmission is my fault. "did you ever get the transmission fluid flushed and redone?" i didn't even knew what he was talking about. he rolled his eyes. i asked his if the oil guys do that when i get an oil change. 'Uh, no," he said sarcastically, " not unless you ask them. you have to be responsible and know your vehicle."
never mind that it's an 11-year-old car that sat in the garage for almost 3-4 years straight because my grandma could no longer drive. when i had to get my old car repossed after my breakdown i started driving her car, which we still had to keep because it's the only car grandma can fit in when she needs to go to the doctors. i started driving it 2 years ago. in nine years NOThing WAS EVER REPLACEd ON THE CAR - all the parts and components were original. since i have been driving it i have spent money on it's second battery, it's second set of tires, and recently brand new breaks. now the transmission is shot and suddenly it's like it's my fault. this is a HUGE chunk of my meager savings i have when i do have to move out, and have to pay my own rent, probably in low-income housing.
why does he even care about the car? why is he so pissed? why is he so damn concerned about screen doors? isn't he concerned about me?
mom told grandma today "please tell Mike that she is paying for all of the car expenses." grandma said i can tell him. i told them Uncle mike doesn't believe me and doesn't even look at me anymore when i talk to him. the were both silent and had nothing to say. i then started to cry and admitted that i shouldn't care what anybody thinks of me, but it just hurts so much knowing that he thinks that i'm just a failing lazy-ass sucking off my welfare benefits.
grandma and mom couldn't, and didn't say "he doesn't think that at all." they both looked down and didn't say anything for a while. i kept crying. then mom tried to comfort me by saying "why do you care what anyone thinks?" gee, that hepled a lot, not to mention all the guily was thrown back on me because I'M the one with the problem being so concerned about other people's opinions.
this just SUCKS
i was the rock, now im a leech - 10.08.02
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