the right road
11:02 a.m. - 08.14.02
i learned a lot last night. i met that woman, who we will call C. i asked her if she could sponsor me. she said now it is important for us to hang out some more to make sure and then take it from there. i was more than happy with that, as everything is a process.
we had fun together yesterday. i went to her apartment an hour before the meeting, then we got something to eat after. we had lots to talk about.
i really learned about the importance of honesty ---- especially being honest with myself. on the 17th, i would have 30 days clean in the program, if i stuck to the program. but i was arrogant, and snuck in some drinks here and there, assuring myself that it was ok, no one would know, and i'd still keep the countdown on. after all, if i'm going to be clean for the rest of my life, then a few drinks at the beginning of the program wouldn't hurt. but i know now that i was hurting myself. i was punishing myself with lies, because all my life i never thought i deserved to be good and honest with myself. honesty is the greatest thing i can give to myself, and the only true start to recovery; not only recovery from substances, but recovering to become the person i always wanted to be.
i also realized that i do not have the power to do this alone. i joked about the 'study at home group', but now i know that going to the meetings and meeting new people is part of the recovery, since my illness had led me to isolation and lonliness. reaching out to people is hard for me, because in the past i reached out to the wrong people and was let down. these people will drive to my house at 4 in the morning if i need company.
and it feels so good that i don't have to do this alone. it makes me feel special to know that there is someone else out there that is actually concerned with my well being. i guess that's why i started writing on this site in the first place. and my regular readers have greatly aided my self-esteem and well-being.
because i am now willing to be honest and let myself be loved, am am now on the road to success, happines and recovery. God, it feels good to wake up proud of myself, and to know that this high is real, not something that is going to wear off, not something i have to spend money on. i don't ever have to be a slave again, and let a substance or a person dictate my happiness. i have the choice not to use, and that gives me freedom.
the right road - 08.14.02
a>