the gift of guilt
10:33 a.m. - 12.23.02
i am feeling very selfish, unprepared and careless about the holidays. i still have to go out today to get gift certificates. i still have to clean my horrible room. i forgot to take *all* the garbage out last night.
these reminders were in my head as soon as i woke up 30 minutes ago. they were reminded to me by grandma and mom as soon as i walked into the living room. i didn't even have my coffee yet, so i was already stressed and grumpy.
i told them i had lots of stuff to do in the next day. grandma askes 'what.' i don't know why - but that irked me. ' i just have things to do,' i said. now, i know grandma and mom are just asking me that to be friendly and inquisitive. of course, they always ask. i have to learn not to tell them everything all the time, them they won't get so put off if i don't say what i'm doing the next time.
granted, mom and grandma have done the majority of the holiday stuff - cookies, decorating, i sat here on my computer either writing in my journal or writing press releases for ken and me. that's the other thing that's making me feel guilty -- why am i not psyched for Christmas? i feel guilt for the gifts i haven't even opened yet. i got gift certifiates from last year that i still haven't used and have to be used by tomorrow. i could use them for shopping today, which i probably will, but that means i have to go to a store - yikes!!!!
oh, and i haven't even gotten back in touch with my dad's side of the family. i once again cancelled on them just a few hours before i was supposed to go over there last week for my birthday. of course tere is quilt there, but some how this holiday is hard enough for me without bringing my dad into it. mu uncle looks just like him. last year they gave me my grandmother's wedding ring. i don't know if i can handle something like that again. plus, i lost it.
i really don't think i can go to ken's party tonight. i know i'd have a good time there. he said he's thinking about getting two chickens instead of one turkey so he can prepare them different ways. i told him that i would make version of spanakopita - greek spinach pies with fets. but now i don't even think i'd have the time to do that. plus i don't think i'm in a good emotional state to be around him.
the gift of guilt - 12.23.02
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