bipolar pontifications
1:12 a.m. - 08.10.02
i told myself if i got a bottle of wine tonight then i'd be able to write. i have definitely had a lot of thoughts through my head, but i still can't seem to put them down. MAY THIS REMIND ME THAT I'M A FUCKING ADDICT AND THAT I AM FUCKING RATIONALIZING, AND THAT I AM ONLY TRYING TO BUFF THE PAIN OF CERTAIN THINGS I AM DYING TO GET OUT ON PAPER, but i am still just to scared.
am i scared to talk about what really happened to my dad? yes. but am i scared that it will be picked up on the internet through the new Big Brother mode of this internet (which i feel may just be Big Brother in disquise, like Huxley predicted), or am i just too afraid to think and recollect that deep? i am not sure. all i wish right now is that i was back in Greece. of course i know that 'vacation high' can only last so long until your regular life kicks in,,,, but i am doomed to only work crappy service jobs once my disability runs out, then why can't i do it in a less imperialistic society? i'd like to be in a place where there is no treadmill, or at least a high-powered fast one that no one can get off. everyone is on this treadmill in this place. the wal-mart clerks and the attorneys are all on one that goes the same speed, but some treadmills have designer lables on them and that is supposed to be the drug to keep the higher ones sedated, and the lower ones in the sand box.
i am dissapointed in myself that i am drinking wine again tonight. i'm not dissappointed in the vintage...1999 cabernet from southern france, nice dry, clear finish, but i know i have to stop some time,,,, and sometime VERY SOON - or else i will never get oficially stable on my meds, and i will never oficcially 'recover'.
do bipolars ever do recover? i do miss my true, non perscribed manic moments. i was in a down tonight, but i think i might almost miss those, since i am so used to the mode where my head is spinning, i have so much to say, and i can only say it if i turn on my 'comfort zone.'
i don't want to be a 'doomed' artist. bukowski, keroac, plath, etc, could say it, and have said it better than i can. i really want to try living in this world on life's terms. but it is really hard, especially when you embrace yourself this way that i am now; though i realize it is all a farce. if not, then ginsburg, pollack, hemmingway, van gogh, etc, would have been satisified with their contributions.
i am satisified that i have had the opportunity to vent myself tonight, but i am not quite sure if it means anything at all. i guess in my conditon right now i don't have to make that judgement. i will just go back into my yahoo bipolar room and relate with the other 2% of sociaty that understands me.
remember ---- the rest of the world is looney and FUCKED UP ..... the other 2% is bipolar
bipolar pontifications - 08.10.02
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