pizza, paprikash and war
3:53 p.m. - 09.21.02
i still feel shaky and 'bipolar' today, although it's a little better.
i had an awful dream last night. we went to war, and they started to bomb us. my family and i were frantically pushing ourselves in line at the train station to get on the last few trains that were to take us out of our city before it got totally destroyed. war planes were all over the place. i saw a little boy fall through the broken platform onto the tracks as his father tried to get him on the train. people were pushing and hitting eachother. i stood next to an arab man who was crying. i looked at him and he gave me a small bouquet of just picked wild flowers. i told him i was scared. he said he was too. i told him i was sorry, he said he was too.
i am also very afraid that i will want to get totally fucked up when the war starts (not 'if,'----- 'when' is the operative word,,, too many rich oil men and defense stock holders need to make money on this deal)
i don't want to start writing about all this shit just yet, though i'm thinking about it all the time. let's see .... let's write more about my recovery,,, maybe that will cheer me up a bit...
i took my cousin to an NA meeting last night. he's been in outpatient rehab for a few weeks and going to AA meetings. he said he didn't like them a lot because there were a lot of senior citizens and it was too crowded. he said he felt more comfortable at the NA meeting last night, since there are more people there our age.
it was lots of fun last night. we celebrated richie's year annaversary of being clean. becky made him a strawberry cake. after, nine of us went for pizza. we were off the hook. yes, we were loud and boisterous, with fits of uncontrollable laughter. this is such a novelty to me -- laughing hysterically with friends while being straight. i haven't done that in years. i don't even remember laughing that much with my old using friends in years. i can remember many times recently in my active addiction where i cried. i thought i'f i'd stop using i'd cry more,,, cry myself to death, even. but now i realize that i was slowly comitting suicide by using the drugs.
grandma and i are having a dinner party tomorrow for about 8 of my new addict friends. i'm so excited. we're putting on a hungarian feast -- home made sausage, chicken paprikash and home made strudel (cherry and apple, walnut, raisin). it's nice to know that i now have friends that want to come visit and hang out without asking me the question "uhhh, do you have a bag? no? oh, uhhh, i'll see if i can stop by, not sure yet."
pizza, paprikash and war - 09.21.02
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