the out crowd
2:08 p.m. - 08.11.02
yesterday was filled with lots of emotions. my friend from NYC called yesterday and i started crying about the group of friends that we all shared but i have chosen to stay away from. it is his perogative to still keep in touch with them, he has no reason not too,, and he is a great and empathetic friend to me. it just hurts. i remember when we were all able to hang out together. now, when he comes into town, it's just me and him, or him and them. they take toad trips often to manhattan to see him. i have never been invited in that group.
i saw the group last week at the music festival. it's the annual music fest i looked forward to each summer. we always claimed the same spot, same cooler, same jugs of gin and tonics. the only things that changed each year were the bands or the food that i made and/or brought. one year i brought korean kim bop (california rolls) and noodles. last year grandma taught me how to make periogi.
this year, they were sitting in a different spot. i went with my cousin. i loved seeing other people there that i know. sometimes the socializing and blanket visits are better than the bands.
i couldn't stay long this year because of the overwhelming nostalgia, and the anger that i was getting emotional about these people. these are the same people that i called friends for 4 years. one is the same woman who made sure that i knew every jealous and catty thing any of the other girls ever said about me, except what she was saying herself. she is the same person who was certain that i was going to steal her boyfriend away, but also she was the one who showed him and all of his friends topless pictures of me when we were in greece in 1998.
some of the other people still talk with the guy who date raped me. i guess it's easier for them to loose contact with me, then loose contact with their favorite bar. i guess it's easier for all of them to deem my desertion as 'irrational' than to loose any more party buddies. i have asked a couple of them to go out for coffee, but they have always been busy, or had plans to go to a bar. or, since they all know i'm 'crazy' and witnessed my break down 2 years ago after dad's suicide, perhaps they are afraid that bipolar disorder is contagious.
i am no saint, since i have released my addictions once again, but when i saw them all drinking and know that that is all that they do together, my stomach turned sick. i was sick over what they were doing, what i used to do with them, and i was sick that i felt pain and loos over these people who had never been good choices for friends to begin with.
one of the guys in the group, who i really have nothing against, eventually came over and said hi. he's not a 'regular member,' but always sat with us for the festival. basically, he's a good guy, and not much of a partier, and pretty innocent to all of the intricancies. he came over first to say hello. he sat back down over there. he then came back up to me and asked me to join all of them over there. "they all want you too, and they said it was ok. even (******) says it's ok."
gee, i'm glad it was ok with them that i'd get up and sit next to the most vindictive person there ever was in my life. i'm glad it was ok with them that they sent an innocent party over to me, since no one else had the courage, desire, or motivation to say hello or ask how i was doing. i'm glad it was ok with them for me to make the first move.
so, i got up,,,,,,, and just left them behind.
the out crowd - 08.11.02
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