orgasm and romance, only in my dreams
9:33 p.m. - 09.23.02
the dinner party was fun. all of the food went.
i was so tired mentally and physically that i slept until 4 p.m. today. for any of my new readers, the meds i take and / or depressive episodes make me sleep. my energy levels get strained if i try to take on too much.
i did not mind sleeping all day today, though i have a ton of stuff i want to write. i don't think i will get to it all tonight, though, since i've also rented 4 movies: cider house rules, hart's war, a passage to india and another one whose title escapes me at the moment. i'm dying to see Tobey McGuire (cider) and Colin Farrel(hart's), since my entire day was filled with dreams of attractive, intelligent men and sex.
no wonder i didn't want to wake up today! i dreampt that Colin and i were great friends. i was at his house and was sharing with him about my past. i was getting a little upset, sad and tired. he led me to his room and told me to go to sleep, since i was so tired. he tucked me in and stroked my hair. i woke up and he was still there. i was laying on my stomach and he started to rub my back. he started to tell me that he has liked me more than a friend. since it was a dream i knew he was telling the truth when he said he cared about me. he asked me if his touch felt good and i said yes. he asked me if i wanted to stop and i said no. i asked him to come closer, to lay down next to me. we kissed for a little bit and we got naked. he laid on top of me, with me still laying on my stomach. god, it felt so good to dream about his hard chest on my back and his hands all over me. we finally did it with him from behind, and i actually had an orgasm in my sleep. it doesn't happen often, but i LOVE when it does.
the next dream took place at the old campground where my grandparents had a camper until i was 20. in the dream i went back to it as my age now (31). it was larger and more developed. i was in the campsites' general store and it exploded in fire. i ran through the flames and got out to the front gate, where lots of the campers were for safety and to watch. they were saying that the fire was arson, that some of the old campers didn't like the modern expansions and didn't like that the site had to employ outside workers. a few guys and a girl asked if i needed a safe ride back to my site and i accepted. i remember that the one guy i was talking with the most was attractive but i did not recognize him as a star or someone in my real life. we drove up to a grassy hill among mountains with an old cabin. i remember breathing the fresh air and feeling the wind. everyone left us there talking. he told me that he only wants to talk to someone that is comfortable enough being herself and comfortable enough with him being himself. then we walked down the hill and i had to go home. he said he hoped to see me agian someday, but he had to go.
i walked back into the campsite and the woods. that's where i saw tobey mcguire. in the dream he was wasn't tobey, but someone i used to play with when i was about 13. in the dream we talked and walked for hours, catching up on the time i missed camping there. we started to hold hands as it grew dark. then i remember walking with him and holding eachother. it felt so good to feel his waist. he too me to his trailer to see his parents and then i woke up.
i've been thinking about these dreams all day. it's been so long since i've felt confidence in holding a man. i can't even count the few times i held dave at the beginning of this summer, since i was so afraid that he would not accept the truth about me and my past date rape. it turned out that i was right.
i know i can't even hold anyone now. i know i am not ready. for now, i will just have my dreams.
orgasm and romance, only in my dreams - 09.23.02
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