makes no sense at all
2:41 p.m. - 05.15.02
i started to write about dave last night but forgot to save it. when i clicked 'done' i lost the page. that's the third time that has happened - that i forgot to save it.
i watched mom plant the flowers late this morning. i fixed the garlic. the heavy rains actually drummed half of the soil out of the pots. most of the cloves were exposed and sprouting. i had to re-adjust them and i noticed they have already started to root. even after those flooding storms and them lying in their nakedness, they stretched their toes and dug in.
of course i'm still thinking about missing my appointments. i've missed so many i'm afraid to call, and afraid to go by myself now. but if i don't go soon i won't get a perscription for my meds - and i can't go without those.
of course i'm thinking about dave. most of the feelings and memories are good, but i don't know if i['m focusing on him because it's finally time and i'm finally strong enough to face up to a very important event in my life i brushed away for 4 years ---- or am i focusing on him because he had been the best boyfriend i ever had and he is here for me now, --- or am i focusing on him because i find it less painful than focusing and dealing with my date rape, then my eventual possible incest issues (dave doesn't know about this yet - he doesn't know about chris or the rape, either)
in reference to the ( ) above - part of me wishes i didn't miss him so much a few weeks ago when i was so low (i miss him now too - now more than ever). now if we start to hang out - or at least become friends, should i tell him about chris, the rape, and my shower with dad? geez? i told him i could not talk to him for the past 2 years because i was not proud of my situation. he told me 'thank you' for finally confiding in him about the bipolar issue, adn that he will always care about me.
my head is racing about him now. i don't feel like writing about it
makes no sense at all - 05.15.02
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