a different way to deal with bullshit
2:52 a.m. - 07.22.02
i've been doing well these past few days. admitting that i am an addict in all forms has granted special feelings that i thought were unavailable to me : freedom and honesty. It DOES feel better when you face things, and admit them to yourself. it was one of the hardest things i had to do, and there was a huge part of me that did not want to change, at least right yet. but when you know it's time, it's time. when you feel it in your head, heart and stomach, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, stop blaming other people and events in your life, and take action. i realized i was doing this, and the only one who was keeping me broke, unhappy and low, was myself as i desperately spent most of my energy trying to get high.
i don't think i'd even be clean this long (officially monday, so 6 days) if it wasn't for all the NA meetings i've been going to. there was even a dance last night with 119 addicts, plus kids and some spouses/friends. these people really seem to be concerned with my recovery.
i never felt this much acceptance in high school, college, or even in the drug scene. i always wished i'd walk into school and everyone would tell me how cool i was and how glad they are that i started coming. it was a struggle, and most left me alone. each time i come into another meeting i've been seeing the familiar faces of the "old timers" and they are so happy when they see me walk in. i have never received so much positive reinforcement about anything i have done in my life, and i have realized that my personal recovery is the most important thing i could ever do.
though i was terrified of last week's first NA meeting, i am more scared of my first appointment with the rape counselor tomorrow. I did ask the group tonight to keep me in their thoughts and / or prayers tomorrow (well, officially today, i guess). everyone hugged me, and i have a list of people that are expecting my phone call tomorrow as soon as i get home.
i know if i didn't have this program, i'd walk out of the rape counselour's office and call my old connection to get a bag. i am ready to accept handling my problems and my feelings in a new way, and glad i have a fellowship to support me.
a different way to deal with bullshit - 07.22.02
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