missed again
10:57 a.m. - 05.08.02
well, i missed two more appointments. i know it's not good. i skipped my therapist yesterday, with one hundred promises to myself that i'd make my 8 a.m. appointment with the psychologist. i took a klonopin at 5:30 last night after dinner - and by 6:30 i was groggy enough to go to bed, and have enough time to sleep off the sleep aid.
i'm definitely not blaming anyone, i could have went to sleep, but mom stopped down with 'ocean's 11' for me and grandma to watch. after the movie was over @ 9 - i felt restless again. mom and grandma were asking me if i was going to go this morning. i kept saying yes, and i believed it.
then i stayed up to watch an awesome audry hepburn/ cary grant film called 'charade' by then it was midnight and grandma was going to bed.
by this time i was very tense - i usually catch myself wringing my hands and slouching forward in the chair. even with all that klonopin, i could not sit back and relax. i was afraid to take another klonopin - because i have missed a few early appointments by taking it too late - sometimes even half a dose can put me down for 12 hours or more.
i went to bed at 1 a.m. - tossed and turned with all my fears and paranoia till almost 4. had the nightmare of my teeth falling out again and woke up at 5. i started crying, but the tears finally, strangely, gave me some comfort. it was like i was a little girl - remembering - remembering all i had to talk about to the doctors, clutching my blanket and sinking into the warmth and safety of my pillow, and feeling some comfort that a motherly voice was telling me "there, there, baby, you don't have to go."
i did wake up with my alarm, but buy this time i finally felt sleepy and restful. so i sleeply thought - 'fuck it' i'm getting more peace now than driving 40 miles in rush hour.
i just woke up. the first thing grandma said to me was 'honey, you didn't go again'. then my mom came down and saw me in my pj's and just waking up.
now the guilt cycle starts right about now. the worst feeling is that i know that i am the only one who can break this cycle.
uggh - blah blah blah
babble babble babble
missed again - 05.08.02
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