missed opportunity
11:52 a.m. - 2002-04-23
i missed the appointment with the rape counselor today. my anxiety took over and i chickened out. it was at 10. i was having some anxiety about it last night, and morning committments are hard for me anyway, since waking up is very unpredictable for me. sometimes i can wake at 7 am and have a great morning sipping coffee, listening to college or public radio and writing. other mornings (especially if i took a klonopin to help me sleep the night before) i sleep right through my alarm till the afternoon
by 5 pm last night i couldn't take being awake anymore. i took a half of klonopin and went to bed. woke up around midnight pretty alert. came down here to get some writing done and letters to catch up. by 3 am i couldn't think anymore so i went back to bed, seting the alarm clock for 8. the next thing i knew i woke up and it was 10:45. actually, i woke up around 7 to go to the bathroom and was stressing about the place i had to go to today. it's a center for women escaping domestic violence, so the building is disguised as something else. but what was really freaking me out is that it is only 2 blocks away from where chris lives - the date-raping bed-weting ex-boyfirend.
at 7 i was still planning on going, but thingink very hard that i'd love to just curl up and not leave the saftey of the basement today.
so, i wake up after 10 - i realized it after i knew it. i was a little relieved, but now te quilt is setting in about missing another appointment. i skipped with my regular therapist last week too - actually because i was feeling better and didn't feel like getting down talking about shit. oh well.
shit, i KNOW i can't get better unless i learn how to embrace routine. why is it so hard?
missed opportunity - 2002-04-23
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