lawn boy
4:15 p.m. - 09.26.02
i have a roller derby in my head right now.
so many things and subjects i want to write about right now --- my addictions, my mental illness, my dad, his suicide, his role in vietnam and the cia, stupid politicians, war, war, war and the high school friend who is now going to mow my lawn.
today is definitely a writing day. i might not even go to a meeting tonight. i think i need to stay on this computer all day and write down all these things that have obsessed my mind. so, if you click on the PHOTOS page and see the icon that says i am ONLINE - drop by and say HI if you feel like it.
i have been procrastinating so long, or i have been working on my recovery, or i have been using my addiction recovery as an excuse not to write, or i have a guilty feeling when i write about depressing things within this recovery process --- what the fuck - i guess i have to choose and put something down. now i get to choose what category i want to write about right this very instant. i guess i'll take the easy way out right now and write about a boy.
i guess he's a man right now, at least i'm assuming.
i don't know the exact reason i'm thinking aobut him right now. the past few days i have skipped a few meetings and morning meditations with my sponsor. i haven't gone to the gym and fuck 6 am yoga on the oxygen network for the moment. i guess i'm in a low right now. the regular addicts who regulary see me at the regular weekly meetings have been calling me the past day or so - wondering if i'm ok. i think it's nice. i haven't had anyone call to 'check up' on me in a long time without the question "do you have any weed" floating in. but, in the last couple of days, i haven't felt the desire or need to talk to anyone, much less see them. in NA, they say that the 'disease' causes you the desire to isolate. i think that might be true. but, i also think that my mental illness causes me to, and i don't necessarly think that it's a bad thing. there are times where i just need a break.
oh, i was going to talk about the new lawn guy, Jim. maybe i'm thinking about him right now just as an escape. he is from my past and i am enjoying the feelings of my innocent youth.
in high school, i thought that Jim hated me. he picked on me. when we waited for the buses, i'd talk to his friend who was always cool with me. he'd shout my name out as if i was 100 yards away, when actually i was right in front of him. i didn't get the joke. i'd always try to say 'what?' and he's always shout my name out as if if i wasn't there. my insecurity made me think that i actually was invisible, and he was doing his duty in solidifying that effect.
he also put itching powder down my back in freshman year. i was wearing a bear-backed dress and he and his friend came up and 'patted' me on the back. that shit pinched like a mother-fucker all day. they also shot at me with automatic squirt guns and taped my lock on my locker. it was quite a freshman year. i was never in any classes with him, i was in advanced english and remedial math. he must have been somewhere in between. after freshman year, i don't remember ever speaking to him, just seeing him walk down the halls.
after college i saw him. he was mowing a lawn across the street from me with his shirt off. it was quite obvious that he had joined a gym. once he caught me looking at him and i was really embarassed.
ok, now jump to this year last march. i'm living with my grandma on disability due to my mental breakdown after my dad's suicide and discovery of what happened to him. i started working at the private-owned video store down my street just for some extra money to make up for the cash i spent on Christmas.
jim walked in. we started talking. he was much more polite than he was in high school. he came in a few times after that. we made small talk, and he said he worked for himself doing yardwork. the last time i saw him (before i quite because of drunk guys from the bar next door asking me where my movie was in the porno section), he told me that i looked good. that baffled me for a minute. i have gained 20 pounds or so since that photo you now see has been taken (the photos of me on my photos page are a bit closer to my exact appearance, due to my meds and my breakdown, i went to greece to cheer myself up). so, basically, i look about the same weight i did when i was in high school and was considered 'fat.' he told me 'it looks like you've been working out." uhhh, yea,,, i worked out for 4 years until my breakdown, but since then it's been all downhill.
the man who cut our lawn quit last week because he moved, so my grandma asked if i knew anyone. i knew that Jim had his profile on Classmates so i emailed him. he replied immediately and said he could help. he called the other day but i was at a meeting. grandma said he was very friendly and talkative and told her how well we knew eachother in high school. they made arrangements for him to come over on saturday.
i gave him a "thank you email" back. he read it but has not yet replied. i guess he'll just be here on saturday.
i have no idea why i am a bit nervous about him coming over. after all, i was the one who started the whole thing. even if he did ask me out i don't think i have anything in common with him anyhow. he is a suburbanite -- we never had classes together because he didn't care about art, music or literature.
i think i am just nervous about past atmospheres, while being excited about going into a time machine at the same moment.
at least the grass will get cut.
lawn boy - 09.26.02
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