it was Lady, Be Good
2:02 p.m. - 08.04.02
difficult day yesterday, and today as well.
Dave finally mailed my stuff back. i got everything, including a black tank top i forgot all about. he sent me a letter, too, which i don't know what to make of it yet. he ended it, that is for certain.
the letter hurts really bad. it shows honesty. it also shows me that he is NOT the one for me. he said that he only forsees with us conflict and turmoil, because of my disease, and because he honestly can't handle my highs and lows while he goes through his own because of his profession.
i know him. and, like 4 years ago, he hid behind his work when he couldn't deal with life on life's terms. he will be 'too busy' for his grandparent's funeral. i know that. and i know that life with that kind of person is not what i'd want or need.
however, what hurts the most is the way he made me out to be the only crazy and sick out of the couple.
'you are in a very volitle place right now, and i am at a do-or-die point in my career as i am taking on a project that will cost me a lot of money and which could break me financally. i will be coming home from 16 hour days in my own lows and frustrations, not being able to cope with yours.'
i know i shouldn't care what he thinks. and i know that i am on the road to recovery, with or without him, but it just really, really hurts when you know that the letter means "you are just too crazy and have too many problems for me to deal with,,, don't dump anymore on me, and good luck with alllll thaaaat, sistah ...'
it hurts so much when someone rejects you for who you are.
also, i should have never hung out with Chris the other night. just like 6 months ago ---- we hung out, had a great time, made plans for another date, then he cancells at last minute.
i saw him at the gallery --- and literally, i just saw him. he waved at me. we went up to the jazz club later and saw him play. at the first break the other 2 guys in the trio came over with hugs and hellos.... chris didn't. eventually he came up to me on another break and he said he had a nice time. i told him i liked that song we listened too very much. it wasn't Baby, be good.... it was Oh Lady, Be Good - a jazz /Gershewin classic. we listened to the 1966 Count Basie recording on vynil. the movie he wanted to show me was good, too. it was called 'Outside Providence."
they were going up for their last set and i asked chris if he could walk me to my car when he was done, or i could get someone else like one of my aquantiences at the bar. he offered to. i asked him if he wanted to catch a late breakfast at a diner or reschedule the history museum for some afternoon this week. he said he was too tired for breakfast, and too busy this week. he also said that he missed my talk show on the radio. all of my real friends, and family were able to listen. he said he couldn't get in in his apartment because perhaps he lives on the basement floor and it's a low-volt college station, he can lnly get that station in his car.
what the hell is wrong with me? why doesn't someone care enough about me to drive around in his car for an hour? why does someone have to write me a letter 2 months later instead of wanting to give me a hug?
i was also going to write about my day with my cousin yesterday at the music fest and my grandma's health, but, maybe later. i am in emotional OVERLOAD right now.
it was Lady, Be Good - 08.04.02
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