inner child gets on the bus
8:27 p.m. - 04.29.03
i wish that i could take this journal to my therapist so i can record everything we discuss in therapy. by the time i come home, either all is lost or i don't feel like writing about it anymore.
we discussed my inner child and my inner adult. my inner child has come out a lot through my life. the little girl i have in me has been abused, mostly verbally, and sometimes unintentionally, but try to tell that to a little girl.
lately, i am happy to say that i have been parenting her, and with good results.
more about my inner child. it's hard to determine wether i've been coddling her too much or criticising her too much. my inner child only knows how to play the game that she was given at birth - the alcoholic game. she feels helpless and unloved.
she used to fake sick a lot to stay home from school. her mom knew her little tricks. her mom knew that she used to puff powder on her face to make her look pale. she used to stick the thermometer under hot water ("if you had a 108 degree fever you'd be dead"). she faked fainting spells. any day away from ridicule was a vacation.
she is so used to ridicule in some shape or form that it has just about become her security blanket, and she is afraid to throw it away. and, since she has made it so dirty, she can't let anyone see it. in another sense, she feels that she will get in trouble or punished if she does throw away that blanket, although it is making her sick. plus, if she is told by her father that she is fat and ugly, and if she is told by her mother that she is a slob, drama queen and a faker, she must accept her fate.
thankfully, my inner adult understands. she has seen everything that has happened to the little girl and can help her. she understands that the little girl's father was very, very sick. she knows that the little girls mother was abused more than her, and she ws so caught up in getting out of a bad marriage and providing for two children, that sometimes her sorrow was unknowingly dumped on her. the adult knows that mom truly tried her best, and back in the '70s people just didn't think that children had mental illnesses. the adult knows it would have been hard to determine (especially with a kid with straight As)in an alcoholic household - where the obvous and hard answer was just to simply get rid of the drunk. the adult knows that mom did go to al-anon, and did take the kids with her for group therapy. mom did do her best, and she did a good job.
the adult has to forgive the inner child for hitting her little brother. the adult knows that the child has been carrying this around with her all the time. the adult has to tell her to forgive herself..
and i'm starting to, and i'm starting to understand. i am able to hug the little girl and yet still gain power. it's an amazing process.
since i don't have my new liscence yet, i have been bunning rides off of friends. but, that has been getting excessive, and i have to realize that i do have friends, wether or not they have time to drive me.
going this long without being able to drive only leads to one answer -- take the bus.
i used to have no problem taking the bus until i was raped. since then, at least in my hometown, i have avoided it like the plague. my fear is that chris (the date-rapist) will be on the bus, since that is his mode of transport. he lives right outside downtown, and downtown is where i have to go tomorrow and thursday.
ken and i have a meeting tomorrow with the woman who gives space to the gallery owners in the building where we are working with the group of artists who already have a space. ken and i are going to talk with her to see if it is a good idea if we get our own space. ken sees pros and cons. i see some cons, since we are primarily focuse on one set of artists, and are very busy with them; but i see pros, too. if we had our own space we could invite any artist to show, and there are lots of them out there who are making good money off of their work. if we had our own space, we could show those artists and e could get paid. i could even host poetry readings there. but, if we did have our own space, we'd have to promote it, just as we are promoting the other guys, hence doubling our work. i LOVE working exclusively for abe, mike and dan, and they definitely keep us busy - we've sent out 4 proposals and are planing 3 shows. and i get stressed even if my work load gets a tiny bet heavy. i don't know what to do. i guess i'll jump off that bridge when i get to it.
on thursday i am speaking and reading poetry at a May Day festival at one of the universities. it's a 6 hour long music/food fest and such. should be lots of fun.
so, back to the bus. i've sucked up my fear and i'm going to get on. if by the slimmest chance he is on the bus i will simply get off. he is a coward at heart, and actually never did anything in public worse than insulting me in front of my friends. i am out of his control now, so i see a slim chance of him confronting me.
i figured all that out on my own in therapy today, and my therapist said that it's one of the most important times my adult voice calmed my inner child. i was so psyched!
now, i can't wait to get on the bus. i feel like it's a field trip, an adventure. i'd actually be excited on vacation in san francisco. i took the bus down to the ocean all by myself. it was so liberating - being in a city all on my own. i have no problem walking down a street in a foriegn city. but in my town, my eyes always peeked through the corners. it sucks when you don't feel safe in the city you love and live. but, i know the adult in me can handle it.
inner child gets on the bus - 04.29.03
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