graduation
2:33 p.m. - 08.31.02
the last official days of summer are here. this summer was different than summers from the past. past summers used to be filled with parties, shows, music clubs and lots of weed. i chose my friends by how much pot they smoked. there was no way any 'clean' person was going to ruin my partying efforts. especuilly last summer, i went out and rocked out as much as i could, trying to regain the magic of the summer of 1998.
that was the summer i broke up with dave and dove even furthur into the party scene. i went to more art shows and got to know most of the bands in the city. the weather was perfect that season for outdoor concerts and private catered parties by swank restaurant owners. i got an awesome apartment right in the middle of the 'hip' neighborhood. i felt like i was a fresman in college again, with new friends across the street and down every corner, just like dorm rooms. i felt like a freshman, with everyone excited to know who this new girl was on the block. i dated some cute guys, but, mostly was happy enough just to be friends with them. i quickly found out that rumour mills don't change much after school.
The summer of 2000 was definitely my lost summer. Dad died in june and that really pissed me off. i had just moved to the other side of town to avoid chris #1, the date-rapist (the other chris i have referred to this summer who plays the saxophone is NOT the same one). anyway, the sumer of 2000 i lost my job, my new apartment and my sanity. i lost a lot of friends too, for i completely isolated myself. the summer was unusually cold and wet, which dampened my spirits even more. the weed smoking and drinking did not help at all, but at the time i was so depressed i believed that it was all i had.
all i did have was myself, my drugs, and a box full of dad's psychological and legal papers. most of my time was spent sedating myself to read through the papers, so that i might find some money, or some answers. i did this while eating $1.00 frozen pizzas bought from the drug store across the street (as far as i'd go to buy anything, so my menu was dictated by sales in the freezer section)and watching c-span.
this summer has been different. it has been the hottest on record. we are warned to go outside because of the west nile mosquitos AND the toxic spraying. and, we are at war.
i risked my heart and tried to get back together with dave. for the first few weeks, we were so happy to be back together. then he dumped me when he saw me drift into a lower mood and i confessed to him i was date raped, plus also possibly molested by my father. he couldn't even touch me after that, nor did i even hear from him in almost the whole summer.
now as the summer closes i have met new friends and having fun differently. i'm going to cook-outs, coffee, etc. but i'm doing it clean and sober, with people that believe what i have to say.
things are not the same as they were 4-5 years ago. they weren't the same in college by the time i was a senior. i remember looking out of the window of my empty dorm room as i pup on my cap and gown. i saw my fellow classmates line up below me, waiting as i was to march into a different chapter of my life.
and now i sit here, thinking about how far that i have come.
i am ready to embrace another graduation.
graduation - 08.31.02
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