hospital, quesadilla and downfall
5:08 p.m. - 07.28.02
grandma has bacteria in her blood, that's what she says. i talked to mom later (she's a nurse), she says that means she is septic. they are guessing that it is probably due to her renal (kindey failure), which she has been in for quite some time dure to her diabetes and poor health habits.
so grandma is going to be in the hospital for at least a few days, mom said, until the I-V antibiotics can kick in. however, the strong antibiotics could kill her as well because her kidneys are so weak.
or, it can be like my uncle says all the time when she has to go to the hospital --- we've been through this so many times before ---- ER, on the verge of death, then "she dodges another bullet"
my brother and i went to see her today. i'm glad he asked to go with me today. he DESPISES hospitals, not that i think they are a pleasant place to spend a sunday, but i understand and can't blame him at all.
it made grandma's day to see the both of us there, especially him, because she know how he feels about hospitals and does not hold it against him.
we stayed only a few minutes. walking out to the parking lot, he again said how he has a bad feeling with hospitals and getting flashbacks of being there when our 47 year old cousin was dying of lukemia. that was about 5-6 years ago. i was almost going to correct him (as i have found myself doing in my life, which i have guilt over) andremind him that it was two years ago when we were both in the hospital, when dad died. i'm glad i caught myself and didn't say a thing.
we went to lunch and had a nice time together. we talk to each other like friends. and basically, he's been one of the only true friends i have had lately. he has been asking me about my NA meetings lately. He said he might even want to go to one. i think that is so cool, but i'm not going to force him to do anything he doesn't want to. i even told him that i haven't broght up the topic when we've been together, because i didn't want to sound too 'preachy.' in fact, he surprised me with his curosity. but, anyway ,,,, since grandma has been in the hospital, i have been so stressed,,,,, i've been eating like crazy (ADDICTION ;( ) this afternoon i broke my diet of 'staying clean' and i ordered a beer with lunch.
brother immediately said he didn't want me to do that because he did, he didn't want to enable me, but i assured him that it was all my decision, and it was. i have definitely been in the 'fuck it' kind of mood today. i realize i am looking for instant gratification right now, because i feel so sick and worried about grandma. i DO want a buzz now. i DO want a buffer zone. and i KNOW it's an excuse to use. am i a better addict now because i know my weakness? i'll have another drink and ponder that.
i can't have that much though, i still have a bunch of grandma's friends and neighbors to call to let them know what's going on. i called her best friend yesterday, and a couple of the neighbors called who saw the ambulance.
i am so glad the miners were rescued today. it gives me hope and belief in miracles, both for grandma and myself.
hospital, quesadilla and downfall - 07.28.02
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