a different kind of party
9:19 p.m. - 02.26.03
saw my therapist today. it was good and bad. well, it was basically all good - i guess i mean that right now i have good feelings and bad feelings.
we talked about my recent little 'blow ups' with ken and my messy bedroom.
hey, let's have dessert first:
i found myself shooting down another one of ken's ideas during a telephone brainstorm session this morning. i have thought that i have done this other times, i'm not sure; ken has been pretty resilent in the past. but, in the past, i have felt the same tense and threatened choke on my neck. i feel
instantly that he doesn't know what he's talking about and how dare he assume something about a field that i have been in and already know about. for example, ken would give me a suggestion about writing a press release or advertising. instead of keeping in check that he comes from a managerial background, not sales/marketing, and that he is just as hyped about this whole thing as i am, i first react defensively. right at that moment i think:
how dare you think that you know more about the field than i do --- i think that he knows this, still thinks that he's better and smarter than me and suggests it anyway... and if i would have thought of that he would have thought it was stupid. he's just saying this because he has a problem with me being a woman.
uhhhhh,,,, finally when reality settled in, i realized i have a problem with myself.
although i do know that some men do have a prob with women and some women have a prob with men. i also realized today that sometimes when you feel so vulnerable, so taken, especially when it's yourself that has taken you, you find the most vacant excuse you can rent in your area for the situation. my areas are female and bipolar. i need to learn not to grab the cheapest and most available. i need to wait it out, consider it, then build and remodel the mansion where i was always meant to live.
so my therapist and i talked about this. in those immediate moments i feel like the person isn't taking me seriously. i have a huge fear that people don't respect me or take me seriously.
i talked about this with ken tonight. he thought it was cool that we were talking about this. he said that he felt bad because it was today when he finally told me to 'calm down, no need to get huffy.' i told him that i'm working on my vulnerability issues. he told me that he always takes me seriously, he doesn't always agree with me, but always takes me seriosly. thanks, ken.
yea, i really feel that i got an answer right on a quiz show. i'm glad i was able to face something i can change in myself, instead of hosting another pity-party --- no one ever shows up.
a different kind of party - 02.26.03
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