how many chances does a debutante get?
5:26 p.m. - 05.02.02
it loos like i might be going out tonight. i haven't been out since february - socially, that is -- with the exception of some small dinner parties and scattered conversations at the wine bar with a friend or two. tonight, i might go see a show were there will be more than 100 people, and i have made myself so agorophobic since jan. and feb. since i started seeing chris in public again. since he was coming up to the music slub i worked at a lot. aince he started going to this place, the place i worked at and want to go back to tonight.
the last time i was there i walked out on my shift in an anxiety attack. i was going to bartend and he was there and he's a bed-wetting date-raping drunk. i had to embarrass myself and tell my awesome boss why i couldn't work and i never went back. even to see a show.
friends have asked me to shows there but i haven't gone yet. i really, really, don't know the exact reason, although i have many, many fears and phobias about the whole social thing.
but i want to go tonight. i sent out a mass email to some of my friends who havent heard from me in ages. one or two said they might be there. i am in the mood to see some people who i like. i've really been enjoying my solitude to a degree (most of it is just fear of leaving the house). i hope the music and the company is good tonight. i don't know if i should email dave or call him or neither. i hope i have a good time. i hope chris is not there. i hope i don't freak out. i hope i have the fun there i used to have.
how many chances does a debutante get? - 05.02.02
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