but she has coupons!
8:02 p.m. - 07.26.02
i'm feeling wierd today. i had an intense meeting last night, and i decided not to perform at the art happening. i was sad that i couldn't, but i had to be honest with myself and admit that if i went, and since this would have my first time performing in front of a lot of people, and since i am so early in my recovery, i would have 'picked up.' the artist that invited me to it kept telling me (unaware of what i'm going through) "when you get there, just go to the bar and get a drink, and make sure to tell them that you are one of the poets scheduled and to put it on my tab, then come find me." i know if he wasn't on the floor he's probably be in the back with a few of my other artist friends smoking a joint.
i know that peer pressure would not get in the way, but my own weakness and cravings would. i knew there were friends that were going to be there last night that don't use, or only have one drink or two. i know if someone passed me the joint they would not have thought twice if i refused it.
the problem is that i know i probably wouldn't. so, i called in my regrets and went to a meeting instead. i'm glad i went to the meeting but it was emotional for me. today i slept till almost 3 (again!) and had a guilt attack when i woke up and realized that i once again slept the day away. i feel very, very anti-social today and don't even want to go out of the house. i don't even really feel like talking to anyone today. i feel wiped out. i wanted to go to another meeting tonight, but decided not too.
i think i might have been able to handle another meeting tonight, it could have even comforted me, but i had some food problems with grandma again today.
i did tell her yesterday i was going to go shopping for her today - i'd been putting off all week and she was getting nervous about it. i woke up with my anti-social felings as i looked at her grocery list. i was overwhelmed. we had at least MULTIPLE identical items stored and packed in the kitchen cupboards, the dining room cupboards and the closet in the TV room. we also have THREE freezers stuffed with food. I am serious: the one on top of the fridge, as well as a second full size (refridgerator) in the same tiny kitchen, plus an industrial size one in the basement. oh, the basement shelves are packed, too.
i told her i couldn't go today, i wasn't up to it. then she said,"
"but those coupons are going to expire"
(i sort them out) "there are only 3 here that are going to expire on july 31, one is for a roll of paper towels, and we have a 12 pack down stairs"
'but i'm going to need bread"
'there are 4 loaves in the freezer the last time it was on sale'
'but i need orange juice'
'there are 2 half gallons in the freezer downstairs, plus the one we just opened yesterday'
'but i need milk. you know i ned that every day and i'm out'
'we have a gallon of milk down in the freezer i will bring up to defrost'
by this time, grandma is geting desperate:
'but we haven't had the vanilla flavored coffe cream in DAYS, you got me so spoiled on that and you love it too.'
'i'm using the non-dairy creamer powder now, i will get the vanilla stuff when we need so go to the store'
'but, the 'buy-one get-one free' sale on ice cream is ending tomorrow.
AHH HAAA,,,, i get it now.
i love her so much and it pains me so much to 'defy' her like this. she has been moping around all day. i was almost going to go through the Dairy Queen drive-through just to get her a fuckin sundae. i feel guilty, but i know i can't own that emotion. i know she will survive, and if she really has a sweet tooth, she can make muffins, fudge, cake, doughnuts or cookies. she has mixes for all of them. and if she needs more diswashing liquid, i showed her the 4 bottles of Palmolive stashed in the dining room.
but she has coupons! - 07.26.02
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