chuck part 1
1:52 a.m. - 08.15.02
step aside, open wide, it's the loner --if you see him in the subway he will be down at the end of the car, watching you move until he knows he knows who you are ----- neil young.
that's what i'm listening to now, as well as creedence clearwater revival. in these times, i thing everyone needs to listen to 'born on the bayou,' 'run through the jungle,' and, especially 'fortunate son.'
i find this randomly ironic as i just got online and checked my buddy list. i saw that one of my new favorites 'mnemonia' wrote something that deeply touched my heart as i was listening to this music. i swear, music and events find you, not the other way around. if anyone is interested in my inspiration for this entry, i'd suggest you check out my profile and click on his diary, and read the entry entitled 'trish.'
i came home late tonight after my meeting. a group of us went to a diner after the meeting and i had a fantastic time eating a late night breakfast clean and sober with these people that have been listening to my bullshit for almost a month, and tonight, in a more intimate setting, 5 of them wanted to hear more, and share their stories with me.
i was only going to check my email and my diaryland buddy list for a quick few minutes, until i read about trish. now, i am compelled to write about my first friend of the opposite sex .... chuck.
"we spent hours by the curbside, telling stories under streetlights, how your words would amaze me... now those days are gone, slowly slipped away" -- damien jurado
this entry may just be part one, i am not sure, and i am not sure how long i can stay up to write eloquently enough about it. i am not sure - as i write totally in a stream of concoiusness, not giving a fuck if it is gramatically correct or anything, because this is my time, and my notebook on my life. i am not perfect, so why should my first drafts be?
Chuck was never supposed to be a friend of mine. even on the bus in my freshman year i thought he was bad news.i knew he was older than me. i knew he was a 'burnout' as we called them back then in the mid 80's, at least he looked like one: long hair, 'dio' t-shirt, the whole thing. and he sat in the back of the bus, a place i knew i was never welcomed, or should go if i had any sense. my poofy hair and ribbons and pink pants regulated me to the first three rows.
after a few months in high school i met my first boyfriend. jim was not in the popular 'joiners' group of football players and cheerleaders, but he did have a reputation. he was 17 (chuck was 16, and i was 14, i forgot to say), and was left back for a year. he was extremely good looking, and also known as one of the cool burnouts. he dressed well, and partied a lot. therefore, he was considered cool, a 'james dean' type.
jim was so 'cool,' he did not even have to ask me out directly. he got one of his 'boys' to come over to me and tell me 'jim thinks you're cute. he wants to take you to homecoming.' i said yes imediatley to his friend without even talking to him.
the first time i talked to him is when he picked me up for the dance. he didn't even want to come in the house, but i told him the truth --- if he didn't come in and meet my mom then i couldn't go at all. so jim rolled his eyes at the uncoolness of meeting my mom and came in. he didn't even take his jacket off when mom asked for one picture. i stil have the pic now. i always thought he looked annoyed. but now i see the insecurity.
i 'dated' jim for a couple of months, if you could call it that, but you don't know what to call it when you are 14. i didn't see him regularly, even in school. i was in advanced classes and he was in shop or was cutting, drinking in the park or hanging at the mall.
when i did hang out with jim and his friends i finally learned about chuck. actually, i heard 'rumors' about chuck already --- about him being 'bad news' because he hung around with the guys who hung out with jim. jim hated chuck, for reasons i can't remember, and one night i was at his house while jim and his friends were discussing to kick the shit out of chuck. i'm not quite sure of the reason, but i think it had something to do with talking to some guy's girlfriend.
i saw chuck the next day on the bus. he was in the back, as usual, but i finally had the courage to look in the back --- before --- i was too scared -- i was a freshman, and basically a goody-good, so any movement from the front of the bus may have caused me more ridicule. but for some reason i looked back, and saw that he wasn't talking and bullshitting with the rest of the 'back of the bus' crowd. he just sat there, with his head down. i wasn't sure if he knew who i was or not, but i waited until he got off, then i got up and tapped him on the shoulder and said, 'don't go to mikes house tonight, some guys have got it in for you." i don't know why i even told him that, it's just that i hate violence, and could not see why any one should get his ass kicked.
he said 'i know, but thanks anyway.' i was dumbfounded.
i didn't see chuck on the bus for two days. but i talked to jim a day later. jim glorified his winnings like he was a gladiator, telling me how pissed mike's mom will be with the blood stain on the carpet. that was the last time i ever spoke to jim.
the next time i saw chuck on the bus was with stitches in his head, and he sat in the front, one row behind me.
god, i wish i could write more now but i just can't --- it's 3 in the morning and i am just too tired to make coherent sentences. there will have to be a "chuck part 2."
chuck part 1 - 08.15.02
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