can't go anywhere, can't do anything
12:36 p.m. - 07.11.03
i knew i'd feel guilt today. i just knew it. maybe that is why i do things, or do not do things.
i missed my appt with the psychaitrist yesterday. i went 3 weeks before to get new meds. she was supposed to evaluate the upped dosage.
well, i took the upped dosage for a while, and it made me very vey dizzy. i lowered it last week to the usual dosage, thinking that was enough, as long as i took it regularly.
i lowered the dosage for the main reason of,,,, welll,,,, i'll just fucking say it --- i can't orgasm on the higher meds. and, i wanted to have sex with brandon. i did have sex with brandon - i won't even get into all the silly reasons i wanted to - maybe because it's been a year, plus other ones. thenhe emailed me and told me that he didn't have such a crush on me like i thought he did - he's attracted to lots of girls right now. actually, i can understand that, as i am attracted to lots of guys right now too. he told me he couldn't stomach the energy from me after we slept together, because he loves me so much, it's confusing to him, how he loves me, but it's not the kind of love that makes his skin tingle and his heart race.
i asked him if he could mail back my aunt's vintage necklace from the 40's. i sitll don't have it.
plus, i called the dennis kucinich office twice last week to find out when i could volunteer. they wanted to put me down for a 'regular schedule,' like 3 days a week for 8 hours. i freaked, i explained that i was bipolar and haven't 'worked' in 3 years. they asked if i could just come in on fridays from 9-5. i still said that was a lot. then they asked if i could come in at least this friday from 12-5, then take it from there.
i had extememe anxiety about this last night. and of course i let myself sleep until noon today.
i plan to write about dennis kucinich and why i want him to be president - but in another letter. i grew up with this man in politics in my city, and i KNOW that he is the most honest and purest man out there for the job. i have never been so passionate about opne candidate in all my life. he has NEVER kissed ass. that's why a lot of people don't like him. that's why i do.
plus, he is the only major candidate in HISTORY that is REFUSING ANY CORPORATE DONATIONS. that should say it all right there. that is why he might not go far without our help. that is why he is the only one who deserves our help and support.
yet, i'm the biggest dennis fan there is, yet i chickened out because i was afraid i'd be out of place and feel like fainting in the office, and also, afraid of being bored for 5 long hours.
i'm such a fucking baby
can't go anywhere, can't do anything - 07.11.03
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