cancellation
7:47 p.m. - 06.17.03
i feel like a dork. i don't even think i can write this all down because it's too convoluted and stupid.
i've been so busy, and quit smoking, so it's been hard for me to write anything in the past few weeks. i'm so used to smoking while i write, so, honestly, it's been a little hard, although i do have a few entries in the past few weeks under my belt.
other reasons have also stifled me from writing, we'll call those reasons niko. whenever i start writing about a guy who i went on a date with, and i wrote about how wonderful he is, i usually 'jinx' it by writing it in here.
this entry might be confusing, especially since i haven't had the courage to write about niko yet, so please forgive; and, if you wish, try to follow along. i will try to give the background info after i say what has just happened, but who knows, it might come in another entry. i'm totally writing from the hip, and a very anxious manner.
at 5:00 tonight we solidified plans to go to a nice restaraunt for dinner (our 4th date). he was to pick me up (the first time he would pick me up and meet grandma - which she was excited about) at 7:30. by 6:00, after trying to hold back my tears in an hour long panic attack, i cancelled. he said it was ok, he'll go out with me anytime i want. "i'm the boss,' as he has said before.
when we first discussed our date tonight, on a 2 hour conversation sunday night and a nice conversation last night (monday), we agreed to either go to a movie or get something to eat. i suggested we go to this one pub that offers $1 tacos on tuesday. he said that would be fun.
so, we are discussing plans tonight, and i suggest that the pub with the $1 tacos is loud and crowded, can we go somewhere else in that neighborhood. 'whatever you want,' he said. i suggested another restaurant. he said that he's been there before (i haven't) and said it was a little pretentious and a little pricey. he was planning to wear jeans. 'that's ok," i said and we suggested a few other places. he discussed going to the place that has been voted numerous times 'best chef' or 'best restaurant' in food and wine magazine. we settled on his favorite place, where he feels most comfortable with the art and the aesthetics and the atmosphere, just down the street from the other places. this place we agreed on IS a nice place - with the best view of the city out of all of them, and as we both agreed, has a very good menu and wine list.
ok, and he was going to pick me up, the first time since we started seeing each other last week. this would have been our 4th date in 8 days, and the first time since the first encounter where we'd just be by ourselves.
i freaked. i immediately got all these thoughts into my head that 'he doesn't want to take me to a nice place,' although the two we whittled down to are both very nice, popular, and (dare i say it) 'trendy.'
then i got the notion that he felt that i was one of those girls that only want guys to spend lots of money on them before fucking.
i called him back and cancelled. he immediately said it was ok. then, i told him why - without the 'fucking' word, but alluded to that respect.
he told me repeatedly that he thinks i'm honest, down to earth and dynamic, and he was most sorry that i got that first impression about the place he said was too expensive. he said since it was tuesday, and we were both wearing jeans, he thouth that the place was a little dressy and might not be appropriate for what we were wearing.
we are supposed to go out and try this again tomorrow. he say that he senses that i am holding something back, which is ok by him, but if i want to talk about it i can.
i just don't know what the hell to think and now i think that i STILL totally screwed it up by playing the 'poor me' role and now he is smelling a sense of 'psycho chick.'
it's taken 2 hours since i wrote this, because of a phone call from one o my friends and helping grandma with a sponge bath. so maybe in the next entry i can tell you how niko - a greek archetect and painter - and i met.
cancellation - 06.17.03
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