brother kicks ass
10:57 p.m. - 05.18.02
yesterday and today have been good!
i was a little anxious yesterday - but i did manage to grocery shop for me and grandma without any cold sweats, PLUS i did 2 loads of laundry. i was proud of myself (if they had an acedemy award for laziness i'd be nominated every year). almost forgot - i even took a walk with mom and the dog yesterday, and i scheduled another appointment with my therapist for next wed. this one i plan to keep. boy - yesterday was a good day. i still had some difficulty falling asleep last night - even with a klonopin and a 2 of a 4 pack of 'margaritas in a bottle' -- grandma had one and liked it -- although it made her sleepier than i was. she went to bed at 11. i stayed up till 3. i watched 'the shield' (dave's fave, i wanted to check it out), then i watched Tigerland once again. gosh,,,, i just LOVE that film
"in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king"
"courage is knowing how shit-scared you really are"
"i know army regulations the way prisoners know the law"
"i miss my mama
i miss my woman and kids
i miss all the things
that i once did
i miss grandma's apple pie
shit, i miss gettin' high
and now my uncle sam
is sending me to die"
those lines have been haunting my head all day. it's always like that when i see that film, and i think about dad, and viet nam, and the gulf war, and this stupid war,, etc, etc --
as i said, it has been a good couple of days, but things like this are always under my skin. i know i will always have allergic reactions to propaganda bullshit.
then, surprisingly, the sailor emailed me today. he went to spain last week for duty -- he says it's beautiful at night and the wine is exquisite. this is his last overseas tour - the rest of his career is shore duty - so i just hope he gets home safe.
whether in writing, or the small possibility that we might meet again face to face, i don't think i will ever tell him my opinion of what is going on. i understand that we were brought up on different sides of the issue anyway.
also, i had a great time tonight hangin out with my brother and having a few beers with him. he is so awesome. we saw eachother last week at mother's day, but there was no chance for one-on-one communication. we talked about music, going to new york, dad, dave and why the hell i'm letting chris run my life. my bro is so right. he just sat there and said - 'what the fuck' about my date-rapist. he put it in perspective. i told him i wish i was strong enough to believe him that i could over-come the flaSHBACKS and all that shit. i have been trying to get over it for so long now - and bro knows it too, but it really made a difference hearing my bro's opinion about everything. he totally talked me up to where i felt strong, and convinced me how insignificant he really is. gosh, i'm so glad i have him for a brother. i'm convinced that we would not be this close or connected if it wasn't for what happened with us when we were kids. my bro was always my confidant. if things were going bad -- even when mom was yelling at us for being bad house keepers, we were always there for eachother. even when i used to hide in my closet, i found some wierd comfort or connection that my brother was there, perhaps hiding in his closet. but at least i knew he was there for me - and i was there for him. at least some of the time. now, in my therapy, i can recall times where i was very hostile towards my brother when we were young and it was in the middle of mom and dad's divorce. i'm 2 years older, and sometimes i used that to my advantage. he used to tease me and play tricks on me - but i hit him. i remember once we were in a fight and i started to hit him on the back - i think he was 7 and i was 9 - perhaps younger. i emember him screaming and screaming as i kept hitting him on the back and thinking what a great place to hit someone - lots of area. i can't tell you how much guilt i have for doing that. brother was always there for me, and i fell victim to the co-dependant alcoholic cycle: dad verbally/physically/sexually abused mom. mom vented her frustrations and stress on our tidiness and 'responsibility', to where we were both convinced that we were slobs and irresponsible --- then i took everything out on my younger brother. the only thing he could take things out on was the family dog, or himself.
i can't talk about this anymore. i had such a great time with him tonight i do not want to cry about it --- but he is just so freakin awesome.
i'm going out with dave tomorrow at 2. were going to go to a festival, coffee and a movie -- sounds good. he called today to confirm. i'm looking forward to seeing him. it's been fun catching up on the last 4 years, but i'm still a little nervous, too. i don't know exactly why
brother kicks ass - 05.18.02
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