ashamed
8:09 p.m. - 10.12.02
i have had so much to write. in my hand-written hournal, i wrote 3 pages regarding the congressional and senate hearings allowing Bush to proclaim war. i also wrote and have been elated that jimmy carter got the nobel peace prize. but i have been in a MAJOR down for the past week. maybe the events in my last entry have promoted it. tonight is my cousin's (he is also my godson) birthday bonfire party. he will be nine, and i had to call his mom in tears saying i couldn't go because i was having a major anxiety attack. the dinner for our hungarian club was tonight too. my mom took my grandma. i could have gone to that too - but again i cried like a baby. there is a small part of me that is glad to have the house to myself, but there is really no difference --- i am still downstairs tapping away on my keyboard like a freak, only without the faint sound of Home Shopping Club or the Gameshow Network selling or laughing in the background.
i feel so ashamed. my 9 year-old cousin loves me so much, as well as his 4 year old sister, who was so looking forward to playing with me. i just couldn't deal with all the other people that would be there.
ashamed - 10.12.02
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