please get me away from active addiction
9:21 p.m. - 07.22.02
i laid down and napped for a few hours again today, to hide myself from the world for a while. i would still be sleeping, but it gets to the point where you actually get a headache and sore muscles from sleeping too much.
i have tried to calm down, and i will try to explain what i'm feeling and why this day has me in such a cluster-fuck.
first i have a little message to my online friend, becca: i really hope you did not take serious offense to my behavior and past entries. there is no such thing as petty teen problems --- period. some of the offline messages were a little overwhelming, only because i have felt weak these past few days, due to events in my real life. in my real life, i am the care taker and 'dear abby' for all of my friends. and they have all been calling, waking me up, and telling me their bullshit. under normal circumstances i embrace helping them, because it helps me and bonds our friendship. but i was very angry and upset that the one girl who PROMISED to take me to see the therapist today 'forgot all about it', but hours later, she had a question about a guy and had no problem at all calling me to find solace. i felt that no one understood my problems, or cared, they were just waiting in line to get their free advice.
becca, those 'where are you' messages stressed me out, and made me feel like i wasn't being a good friend. i hate upsetting people, especially ones that i call friends. i have a big problem saying no to someone who needs help, but sometimes if i don't take care of myself, i explode.
once again, becca, i do want to be your friend and be there for you, but i'm going through a hard time, and sometimes i just need quiet time to myself.
i missed the appointment with the rape counselor. of course i slept through it. so i feel guilty for that.
today is my cousin's birthday and i was supposed to go out to dinner with him and my aunt. hanging out with my father's side of the family always brings a slight cloud of stress around in my territory around here - which is my mom's side, and they commonly refer to my dad's side of the family as 'those people.' but since i was feeling so stressed and so sad, i cancelled out on them last minute, chalk up another guilt mark for me today.
plus i have been barking and snapping at my grandma all day. i love her SO MUCH, and in MANY ways since i got out of the hospital 2 yrs ago, she has been my best friend. however, i am so sick of all the addictive and enabling behavior going on in my family. mom and grandma are very happy i'm in the NA program right now, and that 'i have accepted that i have gotten my mental illness and addictive behaviors from dad's side of the family.'
last night i sat at dinner with mom and grandma as they both at at least 3 jumbo hotdogs. i had two, which usually i have one. they are both VERY AWARE of how much food i shove into my mouth. "boy, you were hungry," then i stopped eating, and passed on dessert. "don't you want anymore? just try half, help me finish this off ..." it never stops. i look at my 400 lb grandma in her wheelchair, her back-up one, actually, because a steel bolt and screw broke in her good chair, once again. 'they don't make them like they used to, anymore," rationalizes my grandma.
mom rationalizes about her food, and my brother, too. usually, he'd never miss a cookout. he and his friend love to stand by the grill and work on their case of beer on sundays. mom said that they decided to order a pizza instead, and stay in the house. i think they wanted to drink their case without me around to make them feel uncomfortable.
i read some of my NA text last night and felt better. i woke up (after wierd nightmares where i was a slut taking lots of drugs), feeling anxiety, panic and guilt. i skipped the appointment, with too much fear to even drive the car down the street. i'm still half asleep and not thinking in a straight line, when i come into the TV room where grandma is sorting through piles of coupons while watching the Food Network like pornography.
"i have a coupon for arby's, or we can get pizza tonight,' she said. mondays are her card playing nights, so i was her turn to provide the food. but because it was cheaper for pick-up and because 'I LOVE' pizza (see the reasoning - not because SHE loves pizza, but because 'I LOVE IT', there fore, the responsibility and the fault of bringing junk food into the house has now been laid upon me once again).
i told her i didn't care what she got tonight, because i was having fish and broccoli. "but you LOVE pizza" it is true, i do love it - it is one of my addictions, and one that i could not handle if i was using because i'd have the munchies big time. i would eat AT LEAST 4 slices, and believe me, she counts, then tells mom the next day "she was so hungry she had FOUR slices"
i decided not to play into her addiction tonight, and stand up to mine. i told her that because i was feeling so panicky today i did not feel safe to drive to pick it up. "then how will we get it?'
"you will have to call for delivery, grandma"
"but i've never called this place before"
"neither have i, grandma, and i don't feel like calling, either"
"well, what should i get on it?"
"what ever you want on it, grandma, i'm not having any"
"well, you like pepperoni, dont you"
"grandma, just get what you and your friend wants"
"well, what time should i call?"
see, it never ends. she tried DESPERATELY to try to get me involved in her food fantasy. i went to take a nap.
the doorbell rang, and of course i have to answer it, grandma cant really fit too well through the hallway, nor move fast. she got the 2 for one deal, and we were even more lucky, that they made a mistake and ended up giving us the mistake pizza and the other two, totalling 3 jumbo pizzas. i carried them into the kitchen and grandma askes, 'what do they look like" i said 'they look like pizza." she then asked, 'mmmm, aren't you going to try one?' i said 'no, i had dinner already." i went back in my bedroom as i heard her eating it before her firend got here. then, her friend got here and i heard grandma saying to her "i was just so hungry i just had to try a slice."
i feel a bit empowered, but still guilty. now there is going to be tons of pizza left over for lunch and packed up in the freezer. i feel if i ever take one of those slices i will feel defeated.
but for now, I AM STILL CLEAN, although i do feel a craving for the pizza and a bottle of wine.
no one said this is going to be easy, but i'm tired of active addiction, and i'm tired of escaping hard times through substances and food.
please get me away from active addiction - 07.22.02
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