6-4
1:30 a.m. - 06.04.03
on june 4, 2000 i saw my dad after 20 years. it's been three years since. i can remember it close to yesterday. i'm glad that time is healing the wounds. i've come a long way in 3 years. but, in some ways, i still want all those memories and feelings that i had when mom called at 10 pm and said we had until midnight to see his unconcious body with a cracked head. in some wierd way i want all those memories to return to me on this day every year, no matter how much it hurts.
it is the most real and closest memory that i have of him. all the memories i had of him was before i was 10. now, i'm afraid that this memory, no matter how brutal, will fade away into childhood memories of the past -- not knowing for sure that the feelings you have right now are the exact feelings you had at that moment when you are looking at him, but feelings that you are having right now about a past fleeting memory.
i got an email from dave - my old boyfriend - the one who i tried to get back together with at this time last year.
someone in his family died
"i don't mean to burden you," he said.
i remember 3 years ago when my dad died, and also when i found out everything -- i called dave after not seeing him for 2 years. he called me back right away and met me for coffee with a card.
i tried calling his home and his cell about 2 hours after i got the email - no answer. i hope he is ok.
ray -- the 'man' i ws so psyched about dating - well - that ended as soon as it started. he was too concerned that i was one of those girls that only want guys for cars and money. concerned about my debt and my bankruptcy, and told me that i look perfect - absolutely gorgeous, except for my yellow teeth. can't i afford to go to a dentist? after said all of that, he was surprised that i didn't want to see him anymore, because he really does like me, he said.
i can go on about this (clueless is still emailling me trying to apologize) but i won't right now.
today is june 4
6-4 - the tattoo on my brother's neck
6-4 - 06.04.03
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