after reading pthm
4:26 p.m. - 2002-04-15
i never kept friendships with guys i dated - i never really had to or wanted to. but i was in love once, and i do think about him. i knew him in 1997 - 1998 - before it was confirmed i was crazy. i've just recently emailed him after at least a year we last met for coffee (right after my dad died - i called him and he was there). but i then went to the hospital - i couldn't and wouldn't dare call him - especially with all i put him through when i left. what i went though -- my family thinks it may have been the start of my crumble towards my eventual breakdown. but i didn't see it that way. and i heard that he took it very very hard - more sever than i thought i could affect anyone. i never thought that knowing that could scare me so.
now we are emailing, and i told him, and he accepts me. he is saying everything that could be said right, and with sincerity. i know he cares - or does not care - that i'm bipolar. he is the only one i've ever been with that i really felt really wanted to know who i was. but i don't think i can go backwards romantically - this would have to be called a friendship. but it is still scary for me - for it is going to be one of the first friendships since my diagnosis.
what karma - the first friend of my new life is my old love.
after reading pthm - 2002-04-15
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