my magnolia day
1:22 p.m. - 2002-04-11
sometimes you have those wierd "MAGNOLIA MOMENTS" - ya know where wierd coincidences just seem to keep hitting you all at once and it freaks you out cause you wonder if you really are crazy.
i had one of those days on 4-8-02. i was on my way to lunch with mom. we have grown so much since my breakdown. my current low had been one of the worst in a year, so it had her and grandma concerned.
a lot of my current depressive episode i think was triggered with some of my past hitting me in the face - in the past few months i have been cutting ties with many people from my recent past - from about 1998 - present. my life has chapters, or seasons so far.
some of these people woeren't my friends. and some of them just don't have the time or the room for a crazy friend.
this has given me lots of time to hide in my grandma's basement in front of this screen, my journals and boxes of old photos - of my life before everything happened. beofore 1997. beofre i fell in love. before a broken heart, before my bad boyfriend, before the gallery openings. before the career. before the rape. before dad's suicide. before we even knew where he was or what he was involved in. before the breakdown. before the diagnosis. before the hospital. i will call this time my youth.
it's all safe here in front of me - innocent college photos, high school and right after college.
right after college i did what i was supposed to do and got a job in my field that paid $7/hr. that still didn't get me anywhere near to even thinking about moving out of mom's i got a waitress job at the mall - think chachkies from office space. but it was like my second college. i met a lot of great people. i even let myself party more, since school WUZ DUN!
anyways,,,
mom and i are going to lunch having a conversation about how i recently emailed dave, the one who was almost the one. somehow after all this time i need to let him know that i'm bp, and that i am far from perfect. he took it very hard when we split in 98. i was crushed as well. mom thinks i've never been the same.he's worth quite a few pages, but that is for another time.
so we sit at lunch, and the waitress is one of the girls i worked with after college - it was so cool to see her. i felt so carefree chatting about old times, when i just had to care about tips and who was going to buy the first round of beer after the shift.
still feeling like a 22 year old waitress again, i come home to check my email and i am hauntingly and instantly transported back another 3 years with an email message titled DO YOU REMEMBER ME???
i will continure with next entry so this one isn't so long. and i have to take a break
my magnolia day - 2002-04-11
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