the sailor, the boyfriend and the rapist
10:24 a.m. - 2002-04-04
been having lots of dreams lately. been sleeping 10-14 hrs a day. sometimes the way i feel in the dreams or who i am in the dreams is better than how i perceive things here.
i dreampt that i finally confronted chris - the exboyfriend who date-raped me. i aproached him twice accompanied by 2 different men. the first one was the sailor i met in eruope. he was tough, a man's man, and tougher than chris. in real life i only met the sailor twice and have sporadically corresponded via email. we both have different lives. the part where the sailor is there helping me confront chris is a little hazy and not that detailed. all i remember is them yelling at eachother and me wanting to leave because i was going to fear a fight.
the very next scene i was not with the sailor, but with dave - my first and so far only true love. we were together in '97 - two years before i met chris. we were eachother's first loves - but we are different people.
this time i was in a public place with dave and chris is there. at this point i feel like i'm not dreaming because the anxiety i feel is so real - and i have run into chris publically several times and i always leave. but this time dave was there so i reminded myself it had to be a dream. in this scene - dave is less apt to confront chris than the sailor - he is not the kind that gets into fights - he could not even confront me verbally. so i feel like i'm truly alone - but it gives me a jolt too like
"it's all up to you - no one is going to save you but yourself - tha sailor is just used to fighting battles and hunting for challenges - you are just one of them. dave is more scared of the situation than you are now - so just go for it."
so dave and i are leaving the place, and dave is encouraging me to just weasel out of there with him. he was most uncomfortable and urging me not to make a scene. chris is standing in the doorway.
i finally confronted him in my dream with what i've been dying to say to him for over a fucking year:
"YOU BED-WETTING, DATE-RAPING, DIRTY DRUNK - GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!"
then i confessed to him what i really did to him in real life - how after he date raped me and tried to make up with me i baked a pan of brownies for him to eat as he apologized to me. he sat there teling me how they are the best brownies he ever had. i kept thinking of the time he had me in a corner because i 'fucked up' his ham sandwich.
i told him that i pissed in those fucking brownies.
in te dream it ended with me telling him this and him looking as scared as i felt and crying. i almost wish i din't wake up then - because i want to know what happenes after i tell him. what would happen to me?
the sailor, the boyfriend and the rapist - 2002-04-04
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