two bad nights
3:36 p.m. - 2002-03-09
still feeling not myself. the problem is, i really don't know what 'myself' is at this point - since i keep changing so much. i'm still on my higher dose of meds but i feel as bad as a year and a half ago when i came out of the hospital - flat, irritated, scared, lazy, nervous, etc. last night was the second night that i woke up and i just started crying. kinda like no reason. well there are reasons, but nothing i'd normally cry about at midnight in bed.
two days ago i had my first midnight crying fit since i've been on meds. so i wrote in my paper journal (was way too frustrated to wait for my slow computer to come on) then took a klonopin which the doctor perscribed me if i can't sleep (most depressives and bi polars have trouble sleeping, especially when they are stressed). the bad part of me taking the pill is that i can still stay up late, but as soon as i go to bed i sleep like rip van winkle. went to sleep at 3 and got up yesterday at 1p.m.
yesterday was hard for me - i still felt zoned on the pill, plus i had to take my other dailies (depakote and prozac) which made me tired but irratable. i live with my grandma (who is totally awesome) because i can't live alone because of no money and unstable moods and no job. and i felt totally uncomfortable with her around yesterday. she is in a wheelchair so she is house-bound, so sometimes i don't feel i get privacy to just feel crazy. anyways (sorry this reads so disorganized, but this is my thinking pattern when i'm like this). i did not have the energy or desire to stay awake yesterday, and worst of all i did not want to be snippy at grandma, especially since she knows what i'm going through now and she is only trying to help. the last thing i'd want to do is hurt her feelings. so i took 2 klonopin and by 6pm i felt totally squishy and knocked out. i thought that was the best thing i could do for everyone. take the pills, fall asleep at 6, and then be able to get up at a decent hour to help with the chores. it's important for me to keep a daily routine, but i've never been able to to that so it is also a challenge.
the past few days i've been sleeping 'till 3 and have made an array of excuses not to do the laundry, grocery shopping, etc, everything that g-ma can't do. so anyway, i crashed at 6, but at 11 i woke up when i heard grandma getting ready for bed. i stayed quiet until she fell asleep, and i tried to fall back asleep, but i awoke in the middle of my worst nightmare:
my teeth start to fall out, and everytime it happens i am convinced that i'm not asleep and it is finally happening to me. no one pays attention to my bloody mouth or my teeth i'm trying to save in my hand. people in my dream even laugh at me and call me a 'faker' -- even my mom in my dream which is most disturbing. i've been dreaming this dream since i was a kid.
so i woke up with the dream and the current stress i'm dealing with (which i will write about in my next entry) and started to fucking cry again. and then i cried more because i wanted so hard to get through last night.
thankfully,
mom works the evening shift and lives 6 houses away. i called and my brother (who is awesome and lives with mom) and he said she'd be home in a minute. i didn't even have to call her back, i just heard her car pulling in the driveway at midnight.
daughters are never too old to get hugs from mom. this was one of the best ones, and most needed. she asked me if i wanted to sleep over and i accepted. we wound up having juice and a few cigarettes. and my brothers dalmation and mom's cat made me smile - with all the love around me, i was secured and humbled. the dog even slept with me in the bed.
my therapist is FINALLY back from his leave of absense. i see him tuesday. it was good to talk to him last night. can't wait to see him. he told me writing all this stuff down is the best thing i can do.
as the immortal jimi hendrix says: "manic depression is a frustrating mess"
two bad nights - 2002-03-09
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