new girl here - and confused
9:45 p.m. - 2002-02-28
well this is my first time actually writing on this site. i've contemplated it many times, but thought against it. i figured that i would pour out all my wierd feelings on here and oneday when i ran for senator or something all this mud would be racked up, tarnishing my good name in society. how can anyone ever know me as a good and decent and beautiful person if they eventually discover all of my sinful and mentally ill thoughts. well, since i'm already on a bi-polar online community, and since my hard drive's history is littered with occasional pornography, i guess there is no more excuses in exposing myself to this site.
all i have ever done was write. and i can only say that i wish i could say is all that i've ever done was write well.
another thought: the bi-polar community is very good - keeps my head straight between doctor appointments. i'm honest of my feelings on that site but not my actions -- same with my therapist - i'm honest in all my feelings, but only 80% true about my actions. like i smoke pot. and on here i will say that i like it. in fact, sometimes i just LOVE getting high. and sometimes i miss it - because i'm trying to be good now (though i'm im the middle of a vodka, i don't like to drink - pot is better). but in the end i know it's not. but i think i'm in a manic phase right now.
plus, i've never been exposed to porn before the internet. i'm a girl, so i never kept playboys under my bed. i got the pc last year, and when ever i think i'm in a manic phase i get very attracted to the porn sites - all of them. part of me is so curious about all the sexual lifestyles. the other part of me i think is REALLY mixed up is that i go to some incest sites because i had a minor encounter with my dad when i was 6 or so - i don't remember anything actually HAPPENING to me, but i remember him jerking off in front of me.
it's going to be a long night.
new girl here - and confused - 2002-02-28
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